Episode 17 - Catfishing

Catfishing (and other online dating scams)

Have you ever stumbled upon a profile that seemed too good to be true? Well, buckle up, as Bradley Richardson from Advanced Adulting and I, Hoyt Prisock, expose the dark underbelly of online dating scams that's snaring singles over 50. This episode is a treasure trove of insights, weaving through personal tales and expert advice to shield you from the sophisticated traps of catfishers and romance scammers. We're tearing down the façade of false identities and revealing the emotional manipulation these con artists wield to exploit for financial gain. Prepare to be empowered with the knowledge and tools to navigate the treacherous waters of online romance with your heart—and wallet—intact.

Digging deeper, we share chilling first-hand accounts, Bradley's included, of how stolen images paint false narratives that lead to real-life heartache and financial ruin. The conversation segues into the psychology behind these scams, drawing unsettling parallels to the seductive power of romantic literature. But fear not, as we pivot towards proactive self-defense, spotlighting the telltale signs of suspicious profiles and emphasizing the importance of maintaining a delicate balance between openness and privacy when presenting yourself online.

Wrapping up, we illuminate strategies to spot and sidestep these digital deceptions. From reverse image searches to the critical importance of real-time interaction, we're arming you with practical tools and a mindset that values personal investment and caution. With laughter and candid stories, this session is designed to ensure your search for love remains both thrilling and secure. Don't let catfishers cast a shadow over your dating life—join us and become the savvy digital dater you're destined to be.

This week’s Guest Co-Host

Bradley Richardson

advance adulting

Bradley is the creator of Advanced Adulting, where he coaches and creates content to help “grown ass” adults navigate the shifts and changes of midlife. He is a 5x best-selling author, speaker, coach, and executive who has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Rolling Stone, on Good Morning America, NPR  and more. A fifty something, 5th Generation Texan, and father of 3 grown kids, he lives in Dallas, Texas. And he can be found across social media and the web  @imbradleyrichardson

Transcript:

[Hoyt: 0:03
This is Behind the Swipe, the podcast that takes you inside the lives of real men and women over 40 who have taken the plunge into the often murky and sometimes exhilarating world of online dating. Each week, we explore new topics through the experiences and expectations of real online daters just like you. I'm your host, hoyt Priceock. Join me as we peel back the one-dimensional dating profiles to discover the real men and women behind the swipe. Welcome back to a new season of Behind the Swipe. We're back from a way too long holiday break and ready to start the new year with a slate of new shows and fascinating guests that I think you'll really enjoy. This season we'll talk about getting into your discomfort zone, navigating the challenges and rewards of sex after 50, how understanding attachment styles can improve your dating life, and much more. I can't wait to share these conversations with you. But today we're going to talk about online dating scams. To hear the media headlines, online dating sites are overrun with bad actors trying to raid your bank account and break your heart. The message is be afraid, be very afraid. So what's the truth? How suspicious should you really be about that person who just swiped right on you? This episode is about catfish, and no, not the kind that snuggled up next year hushpuppies at Red Lobster. Catering is defined as presenting a stolen, cloned or otherwise false identity with the intent of tricking unsuspecting and otherwise vulnerable online daters into believing that they're in a real romantic relationship. The worst of these catfishers are highly skilled at and incredibly methodical in manipulating romantic feelings. Ultimately, they weave tales of tragedy and misfortune designed to elicit both your sympathy and your financial support. Sounds terrible, right? The good news is a few simple precautions on your part can all but immunize you from these kinds of scammers. So to help us understand this and chart a path to a healthy and trustworthy relationship online, I'm joined today by Bradley Richardson. Bradley is the creator of Advanced Adalting, where he coaches and creates content to help grown-ass adults navigate the shifts and changes of midlife. He's a five-time best-selling author, speaker, coach and executive who's been featured in the Wall Street Journal, rolling Stone, good Morning America, npr and more. Bradley's a 50-something fifth-generation Texan and father of three grown kids. He lives in Dallas, texas, and he can be found across social media and at the web at. I Am Bradley Richardson. Bradley Richardson, welcome to Behind the Swipe once again.

Bradley: 3:21
Once again. This is like you know. It's becoming a regular thing. I kind of like it Coming home there. I kind of like it Talking to my buddy, and so do our listeners.

Hoyt: 3:29
They love it, so let's do this. I am so happy to have you on here in the inaugural episode of Season 2 for Behind the Swipe and today's topic. Honestly, Bradley, it's one I've been avoiding and people have been asking for this and they've been talking about this for a long time, and it's about scams and online dating, and the reason I've been hesitant to actually do an episode on this is because it feels like something that's really scary and nefarious and there are guys out to get you and you know what there are, but it's like to me, it's kind of like you know, it's like you know. It's like it's kind of like driving a car. Right, it's like, yes, you're kind of taking a risk, you get behind the wheel, you're taking a risk, You're walking down the street, you're crossing the crosswalk, you're taking a risk, and so I don't want to blow it out of proportion, yet I do think that we ought to really dig into this.

Bradley: 4:25
I absolutely. It is an important topic and I understand the hesitation, and that hesitation is not only something that you experienced I wanted to talk about this but that's the hesitation for so many people in midlife about even dating in general or in especially, dating online on apps. I mean, look, one of the most popular memes I put out there, I mean. So thousands and thousands of people jumped on this because I said, dating in midlife is like the adult version of the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese. It's kind of fun, it kind of gross, and the gross portion of it is, oh my God, I don't want to be. They're all these scammers and dishonest people. And yeah, there are and there's some amazing people. But I think one of the things that you and I talked a lot about this offline and we could talk in a minute how we came on this subject now but there's always going to be bad people out there. You know, always be bad people out there who want to break into your home, okay, but that doesn't mean you don't lock the door, right, okay, they're going to happen. It's the same thing. There are going to be people out there who are scummy and dishonest and try and scam you, but oddly enough, oddly enough, these are not the people who are sitting across town from you and we're going to talk about that, I mean, and how they do it and why they do it and who they target. You're going to hear me talk a lot about this, and this may be kind of a punch in the nose for a lot of people, but it's the. You can't stop someone from trying, but you can prevent it from happening to you, and we're going to talk a lot about this because you have a lot of power and a lot of responsibility in having it happen.

Hoyt: 5:58
So I agree with that completely. So I was looking up in research for this episode. I was looking up does anybody have good statistics on this? And, of course, you know the dating sites themselves, the matches and the bumbles and the e-harmony's. They don't really want to talk about this, right? They don't want to talk about it at all, right? So where you're getting your data from is other sources, like there are online resources that help you research people and they've got an axe to grind and they're trying to promote their own thing, right? And I saw a statistic that actually shocked me and that statistic which, by the way, I don't believe says that, oh, 34% of men on dating sites have catfish and 20% of women. And well, first of all, let's define, because we can talk about a bunch of different scams, right? And the thing that I think is most nefarious here is this concept of catfishing. So, before we get into those stats here and what they really mean and why they're probably not true, tell me what your understanding of catfishing is my understanding and my experience with catfishing is pretending to be someone you are not, okay.

Bradley: 7:15
An alias, a false identity, using someone else's pictures or likeness and pretending that you are them, that's it. This does not mean okay, now look for new listeners here. I mean, look, I have on social media. I have probably about a quarter million people that follow, and a good chunk of them I'd say probably 7% of them are women, and so I hear a lot of well, you know what he wasn't, what he said he would. You know he showed up like you know he said he was six foot, he was five eight. That's not catfishing, okay, that's just lying. Catfishing is something where they're using someone else's picture, having a false name or claiming to be that person, and they are just there and they're not. It's basic. It is basic in a loose term identity theft. In a way, that is what catfishing is is making you believe that they are someone else, largely in online, whether it's Facebook, whether it's a dating app, whether it's Instagram, whatever, largely through their use of copied, pirated or cloned pictures.

Hoyt: 8:21
That's it, and so let me sort of draw the line on, because this, like everything else, is the egregiousness here is, on a spectrum, right, it's like all right. When you think about this, you think about somebody that's trying to play a confidence game, somebody that's trying to get money out of you, and so that if you look at that, that on the far end of the spectrum is that's the most nefarious behavior out there. And then you come down the spectrum to somebody that's just they don't have any real negative means. They're just trying to entertain themselves by taking on this other persona and kind of living vicariously through someone that they're not. So, yes, false, yes, it's lying to people online and it's gaining their confidence online, but it's also not like they're trying to drain your bank account.

Bradley: 9:29
Well, yes, you're right, those are the two bookends on the spectrum and my experience with this is that, again, you can throw any stat or percentage out there but anecdotally, my experience with this is I'd say probably 90% of it is in the extreme nefarious situation where they are looking to get cash out of someone. Yes, no, that's it. I mean this isn't like when we were kids. Okay, and you prank, call somebody just for fun, okay, this is like a harmless prank. I mean they're going to extreme lengths, deep fakes, very well thought out plans of trying to gain someone's confidence, to dupe them in a long-term, you know, a long-tail play, to plan anything for someone to play with. Oh, my God, get money to get them to send something, to get gift cards, and we can talk about that a little bit, about how that is structured and what that really looks like. Yep, but, um, you know it's, it's more math, it is nefarious, but it's also more methodical than than you think. I don't think there's. I really don't see a lot of people out there just joy writing for kicks of you know. Well, you know I got one. I want to try and be someone else because God knows she's not gonna talk to me, but if I pretend I'm white, she'll talk to me, you know they. Maybe you know, maybe some sociopaths out there, but for the most part it's. You know, it's really. It's really much more Devious than that. But here's the thing, and then we're gonna talk about them Once you know what to look for. It's so obvious, I mean, that's just it. If you've never experienced it, you're like, oh, what is it? Once you see it, or once you know what to look for and how it works, you're gonna go. You're gonna see it coming a mile away.

Hoyt: 11:17
So in this, so in the second half of today's show, I want to get into exactly what you can do to make sure that this doesn't happen with you. And here's why I think that's important, because the presence of this kind of behavior online Should not be the reason that you don't get in the pool, right. It should absolutely never be the reason that you I mean you're gonna lock your heart away because there are, you know, one tenth of one percent bad people in the world.

Bradley: 11:48
Oh my god, look, that's a much that you're exactly right and that's a much bigger issue. That is not just for scammers, but that's for oh my god, I was cheated on. I'll never do this again. I went on two bad dates. I'll never do this again. I'm gonna become a decorum. I mean you're an idiot. I mean that you're hurting. You're hurting yourself on that. So it's not just you know. Are there crappy people or their bad dates? Are there rude people? Are there scammers? Yes, there are. They're also amazing and wonderful people out there and you're a grown-ass person. My whole thing with advanced adulting is helping you off the grown-ass adults navigate midlife and part of that means hey, take it a little responsibility, not being a victim and being smart enough and grown-up enough to be able to tell hey, no, this doesn't smell right, it's not if it doesn't, oftentimes it's not, and that means taking some responsibility. People don't like to hear that you know, the whole thing, oh my god. You know it's much easier to blame men and women, but if you take a little responsibility you can protect yourself and you know, very quickly weed out the bad stuff and get.

Hoyt: 12:50
The 100%, 100%. Bradley, you and I talked last week and you were telling me a story, and this is really why we're doing this session today is because I was fascinated with the story, because I I know that in the Counseling and coaching that you do and some of the courses that you teach, you've come across cases where some of your clients right have been the victim of this or Nearly a victim of this right Mm-hmm, and so I want to hear a little bit about that. But the other side of this, I think, is fascinating. The other side is that more than once your profile has been co-opted, your identity has been stolen For the purposes of catfishing. It happens, we got story, oh my oh, my god it.

Bradley: 13:42
You know it's more than once. I kid you, not white. This happens to me a About, I'd say, close to 20 times a year. Okay, 20 times a year, where I get some sort of direct message, email, something saying either hey, someone is is using your pictures right and Reposing as someone else or someone is posing as you or in those are. Those are the minor example. I have gotten examples of people saying and then, where this came up from was last week, okay, and I've had probably at least five or six of these happen and it's it's sad and unfortunate, but, um, a woman reached a. You know, I ended up finding the emails, okay, but she had reached out to me and she also reached out to my girlfriend, shannon somehow, somehow Sluke around and did this and she had been catfished. Some guys had used my pictures and Created a false name and his backstory We'll talk about the back stories, because they're a common thread in the back stories used my pictures to strike a text relationship with this woman. She fell in love with him. Okay, this might never meeting him, somebody never speaking to him on the phone, okay, but via text. And then he presses her to send money and she, like an idiot, did and she's out thousands of dollars. That is a common thing again and again and again. And here's the deal I, I didn't even found these profiles. Okay, I'm sitting there going. Oh, look at that good-looking guy Well, it's me, it's a different, it's a different name out there and and that's how they often do it is, they take pictures of other people and they will weave a crazy story that is somewhat related. So there are pictures out there and profiles of me and my face Okay, me and my face, my children, my dog Okay, and it will be some crazy. It'll oftentimes be a foreign name Okay, or a foreigner Okay, some simple name. And with woven with a Widow okay, oftentimes they're widows or widowers Okay, or the theme and they live abroad Okay, and there's enough of a shred of truth to things like oh well, I have, I have three kids I have, and they go overboard Okay, it's like a bad, super bad hallmark movie. So what I mean by that? Okay, and I, you know, I look, if you really speak this way, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm not making fun of you, but it's just things that are the hyperbole in these. Things are crazy. So the profile will read like you know um, henrik Johnson okay, my pictures, or some others pictures, it'll be. It won't be many of them. The Henrik Johnson. I am a godfearing, jesus loving man who's just looking for love after I lost my wife, okay, oh, oh, you know, or I live for my, I live for my children in Jesus. You know, it's stuff like that, you know, and they're just tugging and playing and it's just. It's funny because I have tried, I know I'm going all over the place on this, but is that illegal? I'm sure it's illegal, you know, because people like this woman last week she goes, you need to call the cops on this. Well, honey, I don't need to do shit. I really need to do anything on this because it's unfortunate. But all they did was use my pictures. I'm like am I mad about it? Is it wrong? Is it immoral? Is it, you know? Yes, is it illegal? I'm sure somewhere it is, but I'm not gonna go. I can't get charges up on anybody. They're not doing anything. You're taking money from me, so I can't do it. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Okay, we'll talk about how she can prevent. But, um, you know it's uh, you go to the social media companies, okay, and they don't do shit. They have an AI, they have a program reading it. So I have actually, anytime you see something like this, I see these pictures of me. Or people say, hey, bradley, here's a profile. You need to know about it. Please report it. Please report it to Facebook or Instagram or whatever. And then I've even done that and I'll say, hey, they're using my picture, they're using my children. I've had it and I had some. I had one about a year ago where they had taken my picture and superimposed it on a Danish passport. Okay, so you, the tech is that good? And, and, um, you, the social media companies, they don't give a shit. So, um, you know, I'll report it. And they'll say I'll report. Occasionally they'll remove it, sometimes they won't. But, um, and then on dating apps, they're all over the dating apps. Okay, and just, you know, for any listener there that sees my picture on a dating app, I'm not, I'm happy, I'm happily in a relationship, haven't been on a dating app in forever. But you know, just report it. It's sad, it's unfortunate and it happens. And when it first happened the first few times, um, I had a couple people go. Well, bradley, you should be flattered by this. I'm not flattered by this. Now granted I mean, yeah, it's a mixed bag. Okay, they don't think I'm ugly and can scare me animals and small children here, so they use my pictures, but Still it's some. It's unfortunate that it happens and who they target and how they that it happens. Um, I think that's probably the most nefarious part of it.

Hoyt: 19:00
Yeah, yeah, and so in your assessment, that does that mean for you this is just something that you have to live with in the environment?

Bradley: 19:09
is For me as the person whose pictures they're lifting. Yes, yeah, at first. At first, the first few times and this been going on for years Okay, first few times it happened Um one I was. I was genuinely pissed off, genuinely outraged, and I'm like, oh well, let's engage them. And who is this? Who do you think you are Okay? When you find out what we haven't gotten there, we'll talk about a second. It will do you zero point, zero. Good, okay, because who you think it is? It is not okay. We think it's someone in America. We think it is someone who you know this, this hacker that's sitting here in you know somewhere in Iowa, who's trying to hit to figure all your stuff out. It's, it's not okay.

Hoyt: 19:52
And so when this is realized, in a lot of ways this is kind of the evolution of the Nigerian Prince game right.

Bradley: 19:58
Well, I'm glad you said that it is the Nigerian Prince game. It is the same thing I mean, and these are facts. Okay, this is not some crazy anecdotal stuff, because when I dug into this about how the pin the hell is are they getting all my stuff? And I had so many. Okay, and there's a couple of friends of mine too. People have lifted their pictures and done them here. Let me tell you how they work. Okay, now, this is not, this is not a universal truth, but I there are several organizations out there, um Like like, there's a couple ladies in the UK, I think it's called scam haters united, and what they do is they have been scammed before and so they have made it their mission to fight Scammer and there's something like that. So I've talked to these groups and what they do is Is they have tracked it down. So you say the Nigerian Prince thing, and that is true. So oftentimes these are gangs of sorts in Nigeria, in Kenya and Uganda, okay, and other African nations and Some other places sometimes too, but it's mostly in Africa and in Nigeria being the primary one, and they will have these. They told me they end up having these Farms, for lack of a better word. So it's like a giant warehouse, often times with teenage boys Okay, teenage boys and girls. They teach enough English to to be able to interact online with you and text back and forth, and they are taking pictures and creating fake profiles and Reaching out to a certain demographic of people, certain types of people, with that. So they're creating all these clone and fake profiles, using, using pictures, and what they're trying to do is create a, create a connection, engagement, and Ultimately they will ask for money in the form of either wire transfer or gift cards, and so it is a. You know, it is exactly as you said. It's the Nigerian scam thing. Please, I have, I have 80 million in a trust. Give me your bank account instead. It's a little longer play of oh Gosh. You know what I'm up. I'm a good-looking Widower who's working on a oil rig in Venezuela or on a on a engineering project in us and the outback on Australia, and I've never felt this way before and I've never felt a connection like this before. And you know what? Unfortunately, I have to get home to see my kids and I can't. I'm short money. Can you send this to me? Oh, that's how it work. That's exactly how it works and it cracks me up. It is, it isn't or it's organized crime. It is organized crime. It is not someone sitting in their basement there, you know, just with a cat.

Hoyt: 22:42
At the end of the day, bradley, it also tends to take advantage of some of the most emotionally Vulnerable people in in our community, right? Because if you're on the dating sites, you are typically looking for that deep Romantic relationship. It's something that you're you're hoping for, you're striving for, and so when you see those and you see a level of interest from somebody that appears to be close to the idea of what you're looking for and they're telling you all these great things You're telling yourself you're like shutting down a lot of these voices that are saying, no, don't do that.

Bradley: 23:34
You were just, you were driving by those red flags. I mean you just, oh, I didn't see it. Nope, nope, missed that one. And here's the thing you hit it on the head with the demographic that, the unfortunate demographic that they choose, and this is. You know. I'll give you a bullet list in a second. But basically they're targeting. They're targeting people who are have obviously and statedly, have stated their loneliness, their need for companionship, need for connection, need for love and oftentimes, oftentimes, people who have recently lost a loved one or are recently widowed. That is it. And I tell anyone I work with, any client, anybody in general do not, do not put out there that you've recently lost someone, you're a widow or a widower, that you are just seeking a companion. Don't seek anything that you're lonely, you know it doesn't, it may it may make sense. I get it. I really do, especially in this whole marketing world of things you know and that's just being honest. I get it. You know you want to be honest and truthful and put yourself out there, but that you're making yourself a target because what it says is, hey, I'm lonely, I just want to be low, and that may be true and that's okay. But what these people are, they are preying upon that and what they're doing and oftentimes they pray upon. They pray upon, you know, women who are older, okay, of a certain age, who have expressed that yeah and again. This is not going to be a popular, politically correct comment, but the fact of the matter is they're not going to pick someone who's terribly attractive or, you know, kept up. And the reason for that is because they swoop in with this kind of over romanticized remember the old, you know like we're talking to a certain group. Remember the old, you know the heating bosom novel, the Harlequin romance novels, you know that type of thing of the. Oh my God, it's the handsome person from abroad who swoops in and finds you and just really sees you for you and love, bombs the living hell out of you. Okay, and I guess that's the thing I mean. Just be honest here. Okay, and you are in your universe, okay, of your, you know, 55, 65 years old, whatever, is there a pattern? I'm sure you're a wonderful, awesome, amazing human being. I'm sure you are very attractive, but do you have a track record of handsome, dashing world traveling rock stars here beating your door down? Then suddenly this guy just picks you out and starts to love bombing you online. Okay, it can happen, but realistically, you just kind of, it's, kind of, and let's, let's flip it. Let's, let's flip it here to the male thing. Okay, because how that looks is it's the hot young thing. Okay, hey, handsome, hey, good looking. What's going on, you know, and they start sending shit. And who doesn't? Hey, I feel like I've got it. I feel pretty attractive, I feel wanted, I feel loved, I feel needed.

Hoyt: 26:40
Yeah.

Bradley: 26:41
The key is this, and we can talk in a second. I mean I'll go any direction you want to go on this white, but I mean it's. You know, I feel like a free range chicken right now, just being able to go on these different topics.

Hoyt: 26:51
You're at your best for free range chicken. My man I really am.

Bradley: 26:54
I know I mean we'll strap in, we fall victim for that stuff. Okay, everybody does and they know it and they see it. Rarely to the dots ever connect. Okay, really, I mean, I had one client and God lover she's. She's a wonderful, sweet, amazing woman. She is older and she lives in the Midwest and she was like Bradley, you know this guy met this guy online and she started telling me and she goes. But I'm just curious and so I walked her down this ago. All right, so is he? Is he a widower? Yeah, okay, um. Does he live abroad? Yeah, he's in Venezuela, okay, you know. Does he? Is he an engineer? Is he a this? Is he a pilot, an engineer working oil rig? Yeah, we're talking about oil rig. Okay, I mean, I know this shit. I'm just going down the path and I'm like, okay, well, you know, I don't want to say you're a criteria or something right. Oh, yeah, I look like you know, you know you'll met him, madam cooler or whatever her name was, you know, but um, it was, you know. She's like, yeah, and I said, you know, I don't want to say he's fake, Okay, but have you ever spoken to him? No, no, we've just shared all these long texts and messages, you know, and he's busy, and then you have the time. Changes are different. I can't talk. Okay, got it, and um, so I said, all right, let's, let's assume that he's for real, which he's not, but let's assume that he is. Is there any universe where you're going to move to Venezuela? Well, no, no, girl, what are you doing? What the hell are you doing here, talking with this guy, you know, and it's that type of thing, but we get caught up in the romance of it, we get caught up in the excitement of it that we just miss anything. That's that that is real. Okay, and then that's what it is. They get you when you're vulnerable and ask for the money you know, I think that's the hardest part, right there is. They prey on these people and these people fall in their minds and love Right, and you hit it right there. They're prey on the weakest people, okay, no, I'm not, don't let me back up. They're going to hit everybody up, okay, they're going to hit everyone up, okay, but the people that fall for it, I understand why, okay, and that, and if you have, if you've thought about it, whatever, it's not a bad thing. Okay, I mean, it shows you're human and you have a big heart, okay, but what I encourage people is to have some, dare I say, common sense with it. And again, if you don't know what to look for, I get it Okay, I get it, but yeah, there's so much to it.

Hoyt: 29:30
We want no. Next, let's talk about the characteristics of a profile that is from a catfisher, and it should start to look a little catfisher Right.

Bradley: 29:41
It should smell like catfish. Is that it? Yes?

Hoyt: 29:45
Bottom feed, all that kind of stuff. Right, I get to a little bit about the profile and the photos. That they might be too good to be true, right, you know they're kind of superficial in some ways. Are there anything else about the pictures themselves that might-. Yes, that ought to set your alarms off.

Bradley: 30:10
Yeah, absolutely One. On any social media. If the account is new, okay, on most social media must they look at Facebook and Instagram? I know you can go in on the upper right-hand corner in the three dots. I think you can look and see the age of the account. If the account has been set up within the past few months or past year, that's a giant red flag, massive red flag. Secondarily, if you look and see when the pictures were posted, if you see a huge amount of pictures that are new, okay, like, most of the pictures were posted within a two-week period giant red flag, not even red flag. I can guarantee you I'd say 99 out of 100 times it's a scam. Okay, it's not like they have an aged account or that they've been posting this over their life. Oh, it's like, okay, I went in, I grabbed 50 pictures from Bradley's account and, boom, I plastered them all up there over a three-day span.

Hoyt: 31:00
There you go.

Bradley: 31:01
Okay, super unrealistic sappy descriptions. Like I said earlier, the things just kind of go no one, and I'm speaking for America. Okay, america speaks this way. Okay, you just kind of go male. Okay, okay, okay, broken English. Okay is another one. Okay, and that's not a judgment, that's just a fact. I mean, if you go, there are some hardcore typographical errors in this. There are some hardcore syntax errors in this that just don't make sense. Okay.

Hoyt: 31:34
Which ought to be, in my opinion, ought to be a red flag even for, even if this is not a catfish, or on the other end of the screen, yeah, of course.

Bradley: 31:43
And now we're going to sound like assholes, right, you know, look, you need to know the difference between your and your, and two, two and two. Okay, I don't care where you're in school, that's it. But yeah, I mean, if you're like, this just doesn't sound right, and here's the deal. Those are in profiles, but what happens is if they start engaging you, okay, they start and look, there are people that you and I know I mean intelligent, successful people in Atlanta, who I know have fallen for this. Now they caught it, okay, but these people are really good, and so the obvious ones are we just kind of go dude, you just don't make sense. But sometimes, or the excessive love bombing, okay, or things that just are nonsensical, but let's say that they're pretty good and you're getting into conversation, all right. Ask them specifics about if they say they're in the same town or place. You know, ask them specifics, okay. So I'll use the Atlanta example. Okay, there's someone there. The person could be in. You know, where do you live? Oh, I live in. You know I live in an realm bucket, oh, okay, great. Where do you like to go? Oh, you know. And they'll mention a place because they may be looking at a map, great, okay. Well then, if you throw something out, oh well, really, you know what about when such and such closed and they have no idea? Okay, you can ask them things like that about specifics of the area that you're in, okay, yeah. The most important thing, though and this is a good rule, I don't care, you know scammers, dating, whatever the point is, do you want to? Do you want to online pen pal or do you want a relationship? Okay, the point for anybody is and this whole thing is behind the swipe we swipe to to identify a person we potentially want to have a conversation and maybe a relationship with. The idea is to get the hell off the app, yeah, so, unless you want a permanent pen pal, a lot of these people will keep you talking forever. I recommend to anybody Three is kind of my magic number Okay, there need to be at least three back and forth three interactions before you get on the phone, a face timer in person, and that should be it.

Hoyt: 34:00
So some of the other behaviors that I've heard about that come with this scam are that the setup comes pretty early, that this person has a lot of drama in their life, right, whether that's there've been tragedies, crises, big decisions. That they've got something's hanging over them, right? Is that?

Bradley: 34:26
Oh, yeah, yeah, because they won't they, yeah they're, they're trying to get you hooked. You know, it's like you know, and when you say a quick, I mean what I've found is usually within a matter of a couple of weeks. You know, couple of weeks is about the perfect time frame. Couple of weeks to 30 days yeah, you've either figured it out or screwed up by. You know six weeks to two months in, but you know, so it sounds like a long time, but it's not, because, way, there's kind of a setup involved with it.

Hoyt: 34:56
Right.

Bradley: 34:57
Of of, hey, good morning. They get you into that familiarity. Oh well, gosh, we spent hours talking back and forth. You did. Well, let me this is another one. I'll talk to people to go. Well, we talked for hours. Did you talk? Did you really talk to them? No, we texted. You, didn't talk shit. You did not have any interaction with this person whatsoever. Okay, you're talking to. You know, the 17 year old in Nigeria there, who's on the clock. That's what you did, okay, and so they feel really, I mean sorry, but that's it yeah. Talking. Talking is like, look, we're of a certain age. Talking is the old school. You know, pick up the phone. Talking is at least, hey, get on a zoom, call yeah get on a zoom call with me. I want to see you. I want to see you move. I want to see you speak and interact. Okay, some stuff can be deep faked. I mean, some stuff has gotten really, really good, okay.

Hoyt: 35:54
But that's why it's a good better.

Bradley: 35:56
Yeah, it's only going to get better. But I think if someone isn't willing to or can it repeatedly, is unable to get on something in prompt two with you, it's a red flag.

Hoyt: 36:06
Yeah, yeah. So what about this characteristic of these behaviors within the scam of a tendency towards secrecy and isolation, where they will discourage you from talking to your friends about this new relationship and try to keep it buttoned up again?

Bradley: 36:29
Yeah, you know, I've seen some of that. I mean, I've actually I've had this happen about three times where people adult children will reach out to me and say you need to talk to my mom. I go, I don't need to talk to your mom.

Hoyt: 36:42
Why.

Bradley: 36:43
They go. Well, because she's fallen in love with you. But the guy's name is, like you know, john Herhnquist or something. And she doesn't believe. And we've been. I'm very easy to find. Okay, you can Google me, do whatever. I mean, I'm everywhere as me, so that I have that luxury. And I made the choice long ago because some people are like I'm going to put everything on lockdown. Well, one, I'm in social media and you know content. That's what I do. But you know, it's very easy to someone who sees my picture or anything else. So they go oh, he's in a relationship, here's what he does, here's his name, here's this why. I think you know the point to your point. There's a lot of people who they'll go to a family member and the family member will point out to them no, just be careful. No, you're getting scammed. No, this is wrong. And you know they get these people hooked and it's sad because they just want to be loved. They haven't been in so long. Their husband or wife had passed, they have been alone forever and someone finally at not look, here's the thing. Okay, and this is just people always ask me. You know they say find the right person. The right, the right person is different for everything. What is right for you is is a different day to day, but everybody, for the most part, wants to be at this age especially, wants to be seen, heard and acknowledged and acknowledged. Seeing, heard and acknowledged that's it, because whether you've been alone, whether you've been in a shitty relationship where you were, where you were demeaned okay, you were cheated on, you weren't paid attention to, you were alone, but you were married, and so someone finally pays attention to you. Yeah, feels good, it feels good, and so you fall, and you fall hard. But all I'm saying is, yes, there are people who are genuine, who can give you that in real life. But protect yourself a little bit. Protect yourself a little bit, and that doesn't mean go to the extreme. I have, I have a lot of people like we're talking about bookends, right, that's the other one, that's the other side of it. People is like I don't trust anybody. You have a choice. We see. Here's the thing. We have the control. This is, if there's a punch line on any of this, then don't fall for scammers. We, we have the control of how we deliver and receive messages, more so than anything. That is it. We can't do a damn thing about whether this man gets it, whether he's a jerk or whatever a player. We can't do anything about this woman over here who's bitter. And you know, all men suck and I was cheated on by my husband and so therefore, you know, I'm waiting for all men to cheat. No, you can't do a damn thing about that, but you can control you and how you deliver messages, how you receive them, and it's the same thing with the these, the scammers, you know and it's just how are you receiving it?

Hoyt: 39:33
That is sage advice, my friend. I appreciate that it's probably a good place for us to take a little bit of a break and when we come back, I want to talk about the characteristics of the profiles that are being targeted here, and I also want to talk about the specific things that you can do to make you immune to these kinds of catfish scams. So we'll be back in just a minute. If you're enjoying behind the swipe, I have two very specific S of you, and exactly none of them will cost you a nickel. If you haven't already done so, please subscribe to our weekly newsletter here. You'll be the first to know about upcoming episodes and how you can participate, along with the tips and links to the stories and posts about online dating that I've found interesting. To do so, just go to behindtheswipecom, wait about five seconds and drop your email into the pop-up form. Secondly, we're committed to sharing this podcast with an even wider audience this year. You can help by following us on Instagram at Behind the Swipe Podcast. I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. Now let's get back to today's show. We are back with Bradley Richardson. Bradley is the creator of Advanced Adalting. He's got a massive presence online. People love listening to Bradley because he pulls note punches. He talks about talking to grown-ass adults in their 40s, 50s and beyond. Right, and tell me a little bit more about what you do, bradley, how you work with people.

Bradley: 41:25
Thank you, yeah, the brand is Advanced Adalting, and I do. I help grown-ass adults navigate midlife all the changes and transformations and shifts that every single one of us experience, but nothing really prepares us for and my focus is largely on relationships, and that can mean anything. It can mean, of course, dating relationships, the relationships with your friends and with your family and other people, and even yourself. And the idea is who you are. I want you to think about it. I mean who you are at 47, 57. This is dramatically different human being than you were at 27. And we know some of these things that we're going to encounter, but we're never prepared for it and we all go through, regardless of your education, your background, where in the world you live, and I'm just going through it with you. I mean, I'm fortunate that I've written five books, I've had a couple of bestsellers, and I coach and create content and do programs to help people do this, because I'm going through it just like y'all and I think that's the thing is. It's not always pretty or sanitary, but it's effective and that's what I focus on.

Hoyt: 42:32
The real Well, I know that people love that and I'm deeply appreciative for your friendship and your advice, both in life and in the world of online media. So I appreciate that, my friend and I am so happy to talk to you about this, because not only do you help people who are dealing with the topic of online dating scams, because a lot of the people that you're helping part of their reinvention in the world is looking for that next relationship right, that's part of their reinvention. So you've got a ton of experience in this, and we're today talking about catfishing and how you can avoid that. In the first half of the show, we talked about what it is and who these people are, but I'd like to talk some about in the second half of the show here, about two things. One is what kind of profiles are they really looking to target, and we touched on that a little bit. And then I want to talk about some very specific things that you can do to guarantee that you're not going to have to deal with this, and then we'll wrap up by talking about why that's important.

Bradley: 43:43
Perfect. Let's talk about the profiles for a second. Okay and we alluded to some of this earlier in the show why they are looking for a certain type of individual demographic and then certain keywords as well. Primarily, they're looking for someone who is older. That's been my experience with it. Older can be hell, I'm 57. But I mean it can be in your 50s and 60s and above. But they're targeting people of that age range. They will target men, but a lot of times they target women. More often than not they target them with different types of messages, but they're targeting older women who are either widowed, recently divorced, and who are outwardly express loneliness and a desire for companionship. That's it. Someone who you know. Anyone could walk by, read that profile, look at this person and go okay, they are just someone that just needs to be loved. You throw you water that flower just a little bit and you are good to go, and I think that's it. They look for someone who is just thirsty for love and attention and validation and they're gonna love, bomb them and throw that on there and hook them and that right, there is it. Key things in a profile that they're gonna be looking for are those words, that description of I'm just seeking my companion. I'm just so lonely and I just want someone to do something with. I just want something. You know, that type of thing. Or, and I tell people, just do not even put that you are widowed, okay, whether someone passed, or anything like that. Honestly, you know you don't want to be be yourself, but you definitely do not want to portray yourself as a lonely victim who's needing love. Cause you can spot it 10 miles away even if you're not a scammer, and those people that's how that fits their narrative perfectly.

Hoyt: 45:48
And there's also something that kind of goes hand in hand with this idea of oversharing the personal details of your life and that profile. Too right, Because you're giving them fodder for finding out what those buttons are to push.

Bradley: 46:05
Well, absolutely, you know, I mean I've, oh, you know, my kids are grown and I just love spending. You know, I miss my grandkids, who are scattered across the country and it's so tough since, you know, my husband died or I've been divorced now and you know I don't. Yeah, I mean it's you think about that. If that is you and that's true and that's genuine, that that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with divulging that. After the fact, that's a step three, step four, level four type thing. Okay, you know, one of the things I do when I coach people and talk to them in programs is this there's a huge difference between being open and oversharing. Okay, and I think that's the point is, you can be open, you can tell a little bit about your life, a little bit about your personality, a little bit about who you are, but you do not need to overshare and give everything to everybody. Access is earned, okay, access is earned, and that's in anything, anybody, and so you don't need to put it all out there. And again, the difference between the Nigerian Prince scam of before and this is they make it personal, you know. You know, before it was just about greed. Oh, my God, in stupidity it was. Oh my God, you know, you bet there's a. My name was on a list from a prince or someone who, if I give them my bank account, they'll send me this money. You're a dipshit, Okay, but they send it to everybody. This one it's tougher because it's personal, because they're looking at you and they know what those pain points are and they are gonna find it and they're gonna create a narrative around that, okay, and so, while you think that you are because, why? Because, well, hey, look, you know it's behind the swipe, right? What's the deal with swipe? Okay, are you really getting to know somebody on this? No, you're not. Okay, it is a glorified current game, hot or not? Okay. So you see a picture. Oh well, look, they're so attractive. Oh, they reached out to me and they're they're love, bombing me and catering me, you know, or just showering me with flattery and stuff, and they see me and I'm validated and acknowledged, and then you're hooked and that's how it works.

Hoyt: 48:14
Yeah.

Bradley: 48:15
So you know, yeah, it's a lot of what you put out there.

Hoyt: 48:19
So let's talk about the specifics of how you can protect yourself. So you've gotten into this conversation with somebody that kind of looks too good to be true, but like you're starting to get a little invested here in the potential of this relationship and something may be going off that says, well, maybe I should look a little deeper here. You mentioned the reverse image search. Let's talk a little bit more about that, how that works.

Bradley: 48:50
It's called Google lens. There are other reverse image searches out there, but you can put something in there and it will pop up. You know that image. If that image disappears somewhere else on the web, okay, that's a number one thing right there, and oftentimes you're going to find the same picture. That's how you find out. Oh, they use this person's picture other places. But I think one of the biggest things is, if you go on someone's I can speak for social media, not the dating apps but if you go on and most of their images are recent, their profile is recent, I mean less than a year. All the pictures were put up. I mean when someone shares something with me, if hey, Bradley, we see somebody using your pictures up there, I'll go in. I'll look at the account and, sure enough, it's usually less than a year old or a setup in the past couple of months. And you know there's 15, 20 pictures and they're all put up there within a matter of two days of each other, three weeks ago. That's it, right there. I mean this isn't rocket science. Okay, once you know what to look for, oh, okay, I get it. And it sucks because that you pray upon the picture and you think of that. That's why I'm such a huge fan of getting on the phone or, better yet, facetime or Zoom with somebody quickly. Okay, you can't fake me, you can, but that's a lot of effort to fake that shit. But that's why I'm saying, hey, I want to talk to you in 10 minutes, you good? Oh, no, I can't, I can't, oh, if that keeps happening. You got your answer right there.

Hoyt: 50:13
Yeah, that should be a red flag, right? Absolutely so, like, okay, let's say they're hesitant to do the video calls, that amps up your suspicion a little bit. And you start doing a deeper dive on their social media sites, right? So you check them out on Facebook, you try to check them out on Instagram, you look up Google on LinkedIn, right? Uh-huh, and so that's just normal hygiene, and I think people feel kind of icky about that in early stages. But I would say don't. I mean, even if you don't have any reason to distrust this person, you're still gonna want to know.

Bradley: 50:55
Yeah, hey, look, this is like. I know we're talking about online scammers here, but let's put it in a different way. This also applies to online liars, all right? So I mean, I remember talking to people. Well, it's great, okay, it's really great for you to take the high road and say, well, I just want it to happen organically and I just feel that's intrusive. I shouldn't have to do no, you shouldn't have to do that. However, come talk to me and I've had this happen. Come talk to me after you want to stand on your high ground and not be able to Google them or look them up. And then you find out and come to me three months later when you actually did go on social media and you see pictures of him and his wife at the lake okay, or him and his wife in the kids, okay, oh, I didn't know that. Really, this is shit. You could have figured out in five seconds and shut it down right there, but we want to believe the story, you know, and, like I said, I mean it's trust but verify, trust but verify. So that make you a bad person.

Hoyt: 51:58
I mean, obviously you should never have to get to this point where you have a professional background check, right? I mean, if you're that far in and you're willing to shell out good box to him, that should be a non-starter in the relationship anyway, should not be.

Bradley: 52:16
I have people who've asked me oh well, should I do that? You know right out of the gate, you shouldn't. Okay, there's a difference. There's a big difference between Googling somebody, okay, to find out just the basics or just interesting tidbits about their life. Okay, look, I was a headhunter forever, right? So I mean, if I'm placing somebody and I'm about to put a CFO or CEO in front of a board or someone for a job, you're damn right, I'm gonna do my homework on them. I'm actually gonna, oh, hand me your resume, tell me how wonderful you are. I'm gonna Google them and find out everything I can so I can know, you know, if everything lines up and more interesting things about them. It's no different than dating. I know that sounds very unromantic, but you know what that's it this is. You know I hate to take romance on it. You're not ditching me through a partnership right.

Hoyt: 53:02
You're basically interviewing potential partners.

Bradley: 53:05
Yes, that's exactly what you're doing, okay. I mean, here's the thing what's the most valuable thing to you? Oh, my family, my money, yes, very important, very important, but it's your time. It's your time, okay, and I think that's the thing right there is. Are you willing to invest everybody's, willing to invest their time to, hey, go for a drink, talk a little bit online, sure, but hey, I said, access is earned. Okay, you can't get that time back Every first date. Why do we date? Why do we date? Okay, well, I wanna find my. We're into the bullshit illusion that, oh, it's to find my soulmate, to find my betrothed, to find my partner. Great, sorry, it's a test drive, it is nothing more than a test drive. Now there's a tipping point, okay, but your first go round here is nothing more than a test drive to go huh, okay. Well, do I like each other? Does it match? Do you want to actually drive the car a little more? Do you wanna take it for a second drive? Do you wanna talk to the dealership? Again, we're all used cars. At this point too, we all have our own mileage and baggage with us, and so that's really it. I mean, and again, I don't wanna say, look, you know me very well. Wait, I'm one of the more optimistic glasses three quarters full guys anyway. But the stuff like this, hey, you need to control it, you need to control this. There's nothing wrong with that, because once you have that stuff down, then it can be remarkably freeing and then you can open up.

Hoyt: 54:35
Well then, it's the good stuff, and shutting this down as a possibility in your dating life is just absolutely easy to do, right? If you know what you're looking for and you get suspicious, pay attention to that suspicion, right? Just pay attention to that.

Bradley: 54:54
Pay attention to man. Your gut knows, okay, we call it intuition, you know, and look, I'm kinda woo-woo and we have some woo-woo friends and all, and you know what Intuition? Yes, there's things that are bigger and spiritual, but also intuition is earned experience. Okay, so something doesn't feel right because it's there's right. Okay, you've been in a situation before where it doesn't connect. Ask the question. Here's the thing. Oh, it's a thing. It's a webinar I'm about to do here in a minute. It's on a program that I'm releasing about communication, and that's just it. There's no, I know communication and dating doesn't sound sexy, but it is the source of every success or failure and that's it. And the point is because we miss the red flags and so many people are on their best dating behavior at midlife, that we're scripted and we make assumptions, we create narratives in our head and then, as we find out three weeks or three months later, oh, I thought you meant, or well, I just assumed, or because we didn't follow up. It's physics, okay, again, I know, decidedly unromantic here, but hey, it's a physics lesson. What is it? The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So in this situation, it's no different. It's no different. You want to get the answer? Ask a very direct question, you know? Oh, absolutely Ask a direct question.

Hoyt: 56:15
And that absolutely aligns with. I come out of the tech world right, and the tech world mantra is fail fast, right, right, you fail fast so you can get more quickly to the place that you want to get to.

Bradley: 56:28
Absolutely yeah, and if it's a no, if it's a no and it's a failure, then hey, that actually is a good thing, that's not a bad thing.

Hoyt: 56:34
Oh, you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes, don't you? Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, and I think the takeaway from everything that we've talked about today, bradley, has been look, this is very simple to be on the lookout for, pay attention to know that you can beat this and don't let it turn you into a jaded dater. Right, you're in control of this. Don't let this become the thing that keeps you from finding that person online, because they're out there, right, and 99% of the interactions that you're going to have are going to be positive interactions, and they may not be your person, but it can still be a positive interaction.

Bradley: 57:21
Yep, well, and again, it doesn't speak to you. And even if you've fallen for this, okay, if you learn from it again and I love how you say that and I agree with you 1,000% do not allow it to make you become bitter or jaded. Okay, look, we've all been burned, we've all been screwed over at some point and maybe we were the ones who actually burned somebody and say, hey, go to Dewey Street. But the point is you are in more control than you think and in a situation like this the scamming part of it just know, you know you're in control of once, you know what to look for and identify it. You smile, you laugh, you go, okay, fine, move on and just don't engage in it. Yeah, the problem is, you know there's many problems with it, but one of the common ones and we can kind of wrap up on this is you're not going to change it. Okay, I mean, I get these people and I did it at first I'm going to go, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind, I'm going to get them and you know, engage them and respond and get in a you know the text battle with them or let them know. Oftentimes you're dealing with a teenage person in you know Nigeria or someone else who is a professional scammer who doesn't know any better, and this is their job and it's not personal, and you're not going to get anywhere. So what's their best course of action? Don't give that fire any more oxygen or fuel, just walk away. Block delete. Block report delete done. Go live your life.

Hoyt: 58:51
Walk to the light man. Walk to the light Bradley. This has been Chump Run to Heavy here, man. I really appreciate it. And before we go, remind people how they can find you online.

Bradley: 59:02
Oh, you bet, Most everything is at. I'm Bradley Richardson. I am Bradley Richardson and I'm big on Instagram. You can get my website. We've got a community the advanced adulting membership community that we get together once a week for Zoom calls, where we talk about issues and lessons like this. I'll bring in guests and have an online group as well, and then that's the best thing right now and then, if you want to know more about not just scamming, this idea of communicating, of how you can get real fast and so you don't waste your time, effort or heart, then let me know. You reach out to me and type in the word real, or go on Instagram and see some of the posts and DM me the word real and we'll hook you up.

Hoyt: 59:44
Gets you good stuff, and all these links will be on the behind the swipe show notes page here as well. Bradley, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for joining us today. This has been fantastic, thank you. I want to once again thank Bradley Richardson for sharing his insights on catfishing with us today. Bradley is teeing up some really great stuff for 2024, including his new video course real, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he, bradley, launched an advanced adulting podcast soon. Welcome to the club, brother. One final thought on catfishing and other scams. Yes, there are bad actors out there on dating sites. Yes, you should exercise common sense in protecting your physical security, your financial life and your emotional wellbeing. These should be routine habits, like looking both ways before crossing the street. But please do not let fear and apprehension become your armor and dating. That same armor that protects you can also serve as a shield that prevents others from seeing your authentic and vulnerable self. And isn't that the very part of you that longs for deep and meaningful connections? More on this in the next episode of Behind the Swipe, as we explore embracing your discomfort zone in online dating with my guest co-host, cindy Hopper. I'm your host, hoyt Price-Hock. Until next time, swipe fearlessly.