Episode 7 - The Paradox of Choice

the paradox of choice

Having an abundance of choices when dating online is great! Right?  Not so fast. Studies show that there CAN be too much of a good thing.  How can it be that having hundreds of potential matches to choose from leaves you unsatisfied?
In this episode, guest co-host Cindy Hopper and I hear from daters who are overwhelmed by choice overload, and from those whose options are (by choice) not so plentiful.

This week’s Guest Co-Host

Cindy Hopper

MS, APC, NCC, CRC

Cindy is a Counselor with years of experience helping women grow through difficulties such as relationship betrayal, divorce and grief.  She focuses on strengths, empowering clients to emerge with grace and dignity. Cindy calls Atlanta home where she also runs a weekly Divorce Wellness Support Group.

Transcript:

Hoyt: 0:03
This is Behind The Swipe, the podcast that takes you inside the lives of real men and women over 40 who have taken the plunge into the often murkey, and sometimes exhilarating world of online dating. Each week, we explore new topics through the experiences and expectations of real online daters just like you. I'm your host, Hoyt Prisock. Join me as we peel back the one dimensional dating profiles to discover the real men and women behind the swipe. 


welcome to this week's episode of behind the swipe. The paradox of choice. More. More is always better. Isn't it? I mean. Can you have too much money? Could he have too much happiness. We all want more. But when it comes to online dating, Having more options might be working against you in your quest to find a meaningful relationship. Sounds counterintuitive. Right? Frankly, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what could possibly be bad about getting to choose among multiple options. The paradox is simply this. While having an abundance of potential partner choices on dating apps should dramatically increase your chances of making a good match. It can have a number of unintended consequences. That turn what should be a very positive experience into a negative one. Over 50 years ago. The futurist Alvin Toffler in his still influential book, future shock. Coined the term choice overload to describe the phenomenon of too many choices, leading to unsatisfactory outcomes. Now he was primarily speaking about buyer behavior, but what is online dating? If it's not a marketplace? The Wikipedia article on this topic describes it as an inverted U model. Too few choices or none at all results in very low satisfaction. As the number of choices increases. So to satisfaction. That is until it peaks with an abundance of choice. This tends to lead, to feeling pressure, anxiety, confusion. And ultimately a high likelihood of dissatisfaction with their selections. So while more potential matches can be initially appealing. Smaller choice sets. Lead to increase satisfaction and reduced regret. The article goes on to say, and I think this is important. Another component of choice overload is the perception of time. Extensive choice can seem even more difficult with a limited time constraint. Now the reason I think that last point is interesting is that in most modern online dating platforms, time is the enemy. The data is asked to make a snap judgment based on a handful of photos and a few lines of text. The clock is ticking and the stakes can be high. Uh, left swipe likely means you'll never be presented with that potential partner again. Did you just relegate your potential soulmate to the dating dustbin because of one fish picture? Today, we'll explore these topics with datas on both ends of that inverted U. Those with too many options to choose from. And those with too few. We're going to talk about the various strategies our daters have used to deal with these challenges. We'll also explore the idea that early dating relationships may be considered more disposable. Finally we'll discuss how your experience of online dating changes when you encounter episode, lack of quality matches. Uh, to do that, I'm thrilled to be joined today by Cindy hopper. Cindy is a counselor with years of experience, helping women grow through difficulties, such as relationship betrayal, divorce and grief. She focuses on strengths, empowering clients to emerge with grace and dignity. Cindy calls Atlanta home, where she also runs a weekly divorce, wellness support group. Among the reasons I'm so excited to have Cindy here with us for this episode. Is not only to help us understand the psychology of this phenomenon. But because her midlife online dating adventure is just a few short years in the rear view mirror. Cindy welcome. I really am so excited to to have you here. You and I have talked about this subject, multiple times over years,
Cindy: 4:54
Yes.
Hoyt: 4:55
And and I know that the way that we approach this is very similar, but you and I, when we were first dating before our marriages, this whole phenomenon of online dating did not happen. You had to meet people organically, and now it's, it's really, it's next to impossible to meet the right people organically.
Cindy: 5:18
And yet so many people I know say, oh no, I'm gonna wait for it to happen organically.
Hoyt: 5:25
It's true, isn't it?
Cindy: 5:26
Right, right. It is.
Hoyt: 5:28
So tell me a little bit about your, your backstory.
Cindy: 5:31
Oh gosh, my backstory. Married, um, 27 years and married, you know, the person I fell in love with college and we had a great life and four kids. And then at 49 years old, I was single. And, my therapist said to go online right away and make a profile. He said you can use a pseudonym or something, but go, I just want you to see what's out there. Like, well before I was. Ready to think about dating. He just kind of wanted me to see that there were other things out there in the world. And, and so I did that and I, after about maybe a year after the divorce, I started talking to someone online and I was talking to people that lived in distant areas and, and, um, sometimes we would travel to meet each other and, and that was kind of fun and intriguing. And then, I decided to get more serious about it. I had talked to a woman younger than me and she had some thoughts on it that were so interesting, and I thought, okay, I'm just gonna dive in about the time. I had read a blog post from a woman who said that she took it on, like when she was substitute teaching, it was just practice dating. She would go on a whole bunch of dates. And, um, sometimes multiple dates a day and just kind of see, you know, what, what's out there. So that when she met someone she really, really liked, it didn't feel like a first date and it wasn't so nervous, like she wasn't new at this whole thing.
Hoyt: 6:55
So that's a healthy way to approach that, isn't it, Cindy?
Cindy: 6:58
I really liked that. I really liked that approach. That really resonated with me because I found that the first few times I did it, I went into the date thinking like, Is this my person? You know, that's a lot of pressure sitting across from a table, from someone to make those decisions. And, in fact, I remember the first one, I had seen a few of his pictures and, you know, and I took the most attractive picture in my mind, which turned out it was like 20 years old, which of course you learn right away. And then I created a whole story around it, It was not the most attractive per picture what I sent my person, which is fine. It's, you know, there's more than that. But it was just a totally flat conversation and I realized how much the online conversations could have, like witty banter, but when you meet him in person, that might not be there. So I said, not only was I gonna take on as many dates as I could possibly fit in, but uh, and sometimes multiple dates a day, but that I was gonna try to get a second date because the first date is just a meet, it's not a date. I was gonna try to incorporate some things like going for walks so that we weren't sitting across from a table.'cause that feels kind of confrontational and more awkward if you're walking beside someone or, you know, going with a group hike. I would say not go out with someone on a mountain that you don't know. It's, it's a different feel, a different flow of conversation and, and more relaxing. I'm just going out to meet people and get to know more people. It was less of a commitment about who was gonna be my right person. It was just meeting people and having fun and creating a social circle that was different. and in fact, the man I married, I tucked him in in an hour I had before I met the man I was going out with that evening.
Hoyt: 8:44
Oh, that's fascinating.
Cindy: 8:46
So when he reached out, I'm like, Hmm. I'm very intrigued. I'm very intrigued. And, um, he uh, said, you know, what about tomorrow? He, we texted a few things and he said, you know, I only have so much talky texty stuff in me, so what do he say? We meet? And like, that was a win right there because I had started to say, you know what, if we're texting for three days and we don't get together, we probably aren't going to. And that whole dynamic changes when you
Hoyt: 9:11
Yeah. Yeah.
Cindy: 9:12
you feel that person with you,
Hoyt: 9:14
That kind of gets back to what we talked about with the timing, right? Is it is like, look, you know, half of this game or more than half of this game is, timing and proximity,
Cindy: 9:25
Oh, proximity. Yes. I, I think that's a, a big player. If you're living in a small town, you know, I. Big difference. I always felt like, wow, in Atlanta, I have so many choices as opposed to my small town in Idaho.
Hoyt: 9:40
And that's exactly right. Huh? So I interviewed a woman named Carrie, and Carrie, at the time of this story is about 50 years old and had not been online dating, had been divorced for a number of years. But had been both meeting people organically and been introduced through matchmakers and was not unhappy with it. But, the part of the story that you don't hear here is that she was kind of goaded into setting up a Bumble profile. I. And was unfamiliar with the technology behind it or really how it was supposed to work. she did tell me that there might've been some alcohol involved in setting up that, that profile in the first place. so let's, so let's hear that story.
Kerrie: 10:33
it was my first time on there. It was an overwhelming experience and I didn't really even know how it worked. So I was thinking, I mean, as long as I've embarrassed myself, I, I'm just gonna take a little look around while I'm in here. So I start moving them over, into what I thought was like a folder so that I could go back in after I, kind of, Thrown a couple of them in the salad spinner and give them a little whirl. I thought, well, I'll, I'll get out some of the more interesting ones and then, go in and see if they kind of match up to my parameters or the things that I think are important. uh, I wanted to be able to take some time and sort it out, but there was way too many to like, I don't know, to get to the end. So I just, I thought I was just sticking them all in a folder, but apparently I was not.
Hoyt: 11:21
So what did you do then? You actually did end up staying online.
Kerrie: 11:26
Well, I did. I did end up meeting somebody pretty quickly, but. if that hadn't happened. I'm not sure I would've, stayed on there and, uh, put in the work that it was gonna take just to get to the bottom of that barrel. That doesn't sound good, right? Nobody wants to get to the bottom of the barrel, but, I understand now that when you're new, you get a whole lot of hits for your matching. And if I could go back and do it all over again, I would probably ask the same friend will you help me look at this and sort through these? Because, um, it was important to me to find a really good fit. Um, but. It's like drinking from a fire hydrant, at first. So that wasn't a great experience all the way around just because of the sheer quantity and the amount of time it would take to go back through and, you know, try to make sure all these little points I was looking for were met.
Hoyt: 12:28
So at the end of the day, while you did have a good experience, it was overwhelming and there was really no way that you could really do the kind of due diligence on
Kerrie: 12:41
Yeah,
Hoyt: 12:41
of choices, right?
Kerrie: 12:42
that, that's a great term too. Due diligence. I'm a businesswoman and that's what it takes to make a good deal. felt like when you have that many profiles to go through, there's no way to do a good job. So either you don't do your due diligence and you, roll the dice and waste your time and put yourself in an awkward position, or you spend so much time investigating all these possibilities that by then who, whatever guys have expressed interest in you or whatever, they've moved on and I. I recognize even more now that I, I know more that, that is true. You know, you can't take a couple of days, once kind of the match has been made and express interest has been shared. You can't just like, take a week to get a criminal background check or whatever, you know, it's kind of, uh, do or die on those. And, I didn't love the way that made me feel.
Hoyt: 13:41
So a couple of interesting things there, right? One is the impact of that quantity and volume and, and the time constraints that she talked about,
Cindy: 13:54
Yeah.
Hoyt: 13:55
Then the other thing that's fascinating there is that it almost sounds like women like Carrie were going into this, expecting that it wouldn't be work,
Cindy: 14:07
Right. Right. Exactly. I think that's so interesting'cause I hear that so often. Oh, it's so much work. What kind of things do we get in life without some work? Right? It's work. But if you look at it with an attitude of like, this is a new adventure, I'm gonna try it out. What kind of work is that? a couple things struck me there, and this may not be relevant, but I, I kind of laughed at the criminal background check. One of the things I did, Was, I would say, I need another online presence, whether it's LinkedIn or Facebook or, or maybe your business page to help me know you're real. And, and you know, I'm not particularly suspicious, but as a woman, I need to be safe. And, and I would tell them, I would say, you know, what they say about online dating, men are worried. She lied about their weight. Women are worried about murder, you know, I, I laughed at that criminal background check because there, there are ways to, you know, make sure you feel safe, but that's probably another podcast.
Hoyt: 15:05
I've always heard that like the human brain is really only capable of dealing with seven options, And that's why phone numbers were maximum seven digits, right? Because that people could remember those, And so on in the modern online dating world, in a scenario like Carrie's where, Literally there were 80 or a hundred people in her, in her queue how do you even wrap your mind around, beginning that process. It's, it's almost as if, if they were, if effectively trickled out for you, you would, you would have a better experience with
Cindy: 15:43
Right. How do you filter all of that? That's a lot. Well, so that's one of the things that really struck out to me about dating and massive amounts. So, take 30 days and say, I'm gonna go on as many dates as I can. When I did that, that helped me learn to filter. That helped me say, first of all, have a phone call first. That, that would've saved me some time. If they don't wanna meet after about three days, that filters a whole lot out and I didn't wanna be a pen pal. I wanted to actually meet people. So taking it on as an adventure and saying, okay, this is gonna be a lot of work for 30 days. Let me give it a try.
Hoyt: 16:19
Mm-hmm.
Cindy: 16:19
And as I read profiles, And, and I still would sometimes go on several dates a week and sometimes not. But as I read profiles, like it got clear to me what I was looking for and clear to me what didn't matter. We look at those profiles and, and we think there's something to discover. There's not, there's really not that much to discover. There'll be a few basic facts and then meet and chat and see if you like each other. Just like if you were at a party chat, see if you like each other. And it's okay. You make a friend,
Hoyt: 16:53
And just, you know, take that bar down, right? The expectations bar completely, completely off of that.
Cindy: 16:59
Because we don't really know much about people by their profiles. It's just an opportunity to, I see. It's like if, if we had, badges that we wore of Okay. Married or single, but not looking single and looking, we wouldn't need online dating. You know, we would do the thing where we'd see someone at the grocery store and go, okay, you know, and not realize you're flirting with a married man.
Hoyt: 17:26
Right.
Cindy: 17:27
I think that's the advantage of online dating. As you could tell, I'm, I'm a fan, but I think that's the advantage is, you know, this person is out there looking
Hoyt: 17:34
So this, guess, is experienced differently by people with different personality types, So are there different. Sort of strategies for someone who's more introverted than extroverted? it seems like there are some of the platforms out there that. Would allow you to sort of gate your access. we'll hear in the second half of the program from a woman that, that actually implemented a strategy like that. that's apparently a newer feature on Bumble and maybe one or two of the other, platforms. But what strategies can somebody who's, you know, kind of introverted and has a more difficult time reframing as you did, The experience that they're going into.
Cindy: 18:19
That's so interesting. I used to have a support group that had, single men, 25 to almost 40 who were having a hard time meeting people, and, and part of that was due to the pandemic. One of the men said, prior to this, I could go out to a bar, have a little liquid courage, and then maybe get up some courage and, and it, they were all introverts. I could get some courage to talk to someone. And so I think there's something to that. I think, um, not, you know, not everybody needs liquid courage, but maybe a friend there, you know, saying, okay, just reach out, try this. So we did different experiments and we did different online dating experiments and I would have them one week. they had to like, Contact five people another week. They would come in and bring their favorite profiles and why they were their favorite profiles. You know, another week we would work on their profiles. But, the thing that was really interesting was I told them, one week they were to reach out to three people that maybe they didn't think were on their level. Like, we're always looking for some of us a little higher than us, reach out to three people that were maybe not on their level, and then three that were way above their level and just. Because it was just practice. So with introverts, I think having someone to, as we heard, go do on and, and encourage you to try it, it's not easy to meet people, but I think introverts also having an activity that they do rather than trying to make small talk at a table really helps.
Hoyt: 19:45
That's a really good point. So it's about time. I'm gonna take a short break here, and when we come back I want to hear from, Sabrina. And Sabrina is the one who's, taken a scientific approach to solving this problem. I.
20:03
Behind the swipe is made possible by real online. Daters just like you. Willing to share their personal and authentic stories and perspectives as they seek love, romance and intimacy online. Head on over to behind this white.com. Click the, be a guest link at the top of the page there. You'll learn about some of our upcoming episode topics and how you can help.
Hoyt: 20:32
So we are back and I'm here with Cindy Hopper. Cindy is a counselor here in the Atlanta area and works with all types of clients, but also has had her own personal experience in online dating. So in the first half of the program, you heard from Carrie and her experience of being overwhelmed, and as she said, had she not met someone early on. She's not sure that she would've been able to fit all this work into the schedule. So I had an opportunity to meet a woman named Sabrina. And Sabrina is a professional, she works with numbers and so she's got her own spreadsheet for this and, and she's got some strategies for it. So let's, let's hear from Sabrina. so you crafted that profile the way that you really wanted it, and then at some point in March you hit the button that said, go.
Sabrina: 21:31
Yes, that's right. And I, I should clarify that on, on Bumble, I was in or am in incognito mode, um, just for out, out of fear of running into people online that I know. and I was just tiptoeing in the water, right? Like this was new to me and it's a lot of shame. Or there was for me. Associated with, with going online. Like, wrong with me? Why do I have to do this? it's interesting when I look back from my perspective of what types of men came in my feet at that point versus who I swiped on. And now, uh, you know, sitting here today, you just, you have to learn and iterate, learn and iterate like you, and, and then the more conversations you have or the more, uh, In your pipeline or those that you're considering talking to, the, the more you realize you can fine tune and be really, more specific about what it is that you're looking for. Yeah, for sure. I, I think there's a little, I think there was a little bit of, of that certainly, and I would just say that it was really hard that the time commitment. That it takes to filter, to go through the funnel of, uh, as I, I joke with my friend who's, who's also on online dating or, the stable, like, it takes a lot of time and, and maybe women invest more time. I don't know, maybe we invest more time on, on the front end to go through and, and just prioritize. I. Gotten to a point now where I, score, I have, I have like certain criteria, like my own algorithm sounds dorky, but, um, but there's just some things that are really important, that are deal breakers and not just those that are captured in the app, but yeah, so I, it, it just takes a lot of time. And so being intentional about what that criteria is and how you are applying that criteria to your list or your stable, so to speak.
hoyt-iclnvfjgl__raw-audio_hoyt-alexis-spade_2023-aug-10-1233pm_hoyt_prisock's stud: 23:21
did you ever feel overwhelmed about by the process? I.
Hoyt: 23:25
Yes, I, I definitely felt, still feel overwhelmed by the process. Yes, I, I did and do, overwhelmed, not necessarily driven from a place of what am I missing, you know, fomo or what am I missing out on? Um, but more from a place of. I, I can be a bit of a loist and, and so, and I've read a lot that you just, especially in online dating, like you really can't just judge a book by, its, cover the, the profile picture itself. And'cause the volume's so high, as you know, you find yourself just sort of like, you look at the picture, it's like a. Three seconds, like, Nope, look at the picture. So, Cindy here she's got a, she's got a program, but she does come back and say, look, I know that I'm probably letting some good ones slip by.'cause they didn't pass the three second test, right? They just didn't pass the three second test. And, the platforms almost sort of force you into that mode.
Cindy: 24:30
right, right. But it's kind of like, in the old days you used to go to a bar, would you go talk to someone that wasn't attractive? The problem is, Photographs are a problem and not everybody, and particularly people of a certain age are less comfortable with selfies. I realized that the reason so many men had pictures with fish or in costumes were, because those were the only pictures their friends took of them. Those were the only pictures they had and, and so while the catch of the day might seem kind of a silly thing, but pictures don't tell a story and it is a shame.
Hoyt: 25:05
Yeah. as a matter of fact, in another part of the conversation, Sabrina was telling me about going back to. The ones that she had passed on before and she had passed on a guy because he had, like, he was shirtless in a, in a picture or something. Right? So, But she went back to him, said it was really attractive and, and they ended up dating. she said, I decided to look sort of past that, that I can't draw conclusions about what his personality is based on, one mistake in his selection of photographs, But it's, it's really hard because you're, you're forced to make these decisions. On the spur of the moment, and unless you're in this, you know, premium incognito mode or whatever it is now at Bumble,
Cindy: 25:51
It's always worth paying for the premium, always
Hoyt: 25:55
it, it, it really is. Even if it's just the ability to say, Hey, I want to extend. I'm gonna give you another 24 hours to
Cindy: 26:02
right? Or, oh, look, he already liked me. I'll reach out to him.
Hoyt: 26:06
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I think that's probably the reason that I went on Bumble in the first place is because I had, that was my very first experience in online dating, and I didn't really have a lot of confidence, so I thought, well, I'm gonna choose Bumble because at least I'm not gonna get rejection, you know, as frequently. Right. Because I will already know that they have said, yeah.
Cindy: 26:31
Well, and then, and I know for the women, I don't get so many people talking to me that are clearly not a match. And then having that awkwardness and, when you're new to it, it's hard to, when someone reaches out to you, to message you to like, just blow them off.
Hoyt: 26:44
Uh, uh.
Cindy: 26:47
You know? It's, it's interesting because I think there's another thing with the time and that is, If you take time to get to know someone, how many months before you actually know them. And so when we're sitting across the table from someone's, we're trying to decide, do I wanna take six months to get to know this person? When all you need to know is, would this person be a friend?
Hoyt: 27:08
Yep,
Cindy: 27:09
You know, is this someone I wanna spend time with? Um, the the middle age factor plays into that time as well. How many times am I gonna go through this?
Hoyt: 27:19
that's right. I mean, you know, it's, it becomes much more limited than when you were in your twenties,
Cindy: 27:24
Yeah. So I think that's where the A choice comes in as well. Um, something funny she said about, the choices, I can remember the, the time it takes as you look at profiles. I remember one Sunday morning and Sunday morning seemed to be popular for people. That's when my husband and I connected. But my daughter walked in the room and she said, oh, mom, are you shopping for humans again? That's kind of fun.
Hoyt: 27:51
So as a matter of fact, yes,
Cindy: 27:53
And you know, it's kind of like, when you know those possibilities are out there, you do try to fill in the blanks with what you're looking for
Hoyt: 28:00
Uhhuh.
Cindy: 28:00
there's such little information on a profile.
Hoyt: 28:03
You know, the other thing that, and, and I don't have anything in the interviews that we'll hear today on this, but it seems to me that this implied ultimate. Abundance of potential partners out there makes it very easy to discard a potential relationship based on just, uh, you know, there might be something better around the corner.
Cindy: 28:29
That is so true. I think, I think there are a lot of things that play into that too. Um, and self-doubt is one of the biggest ones I. You know, I see a lot of women coming out this feeling like, well, I made a really bad decision in my last relationship, so how can I trust myself that I'm not gonna make another bad decision? So I need to, filter out anything that doesn't feel right. And that's unfortunate.
Hoyt: 28:56
Yeah, I mean, and it, and it feels like that gets right back to the point that you were making earlier, which is, you've gotta reframe this as not as much about is this my person that I'm going to, you know, meet for a walk in the park?
Cindy: 29:13
Right.
Hoyt: 29:14
But is this an opportunity for me to figure out a little bit more about who I am in this kind of relationship?
Cindy: 29:24
I love that. I love that because there's so much we're learning in these kinds of relationships and there's so much, this is so new to a lot of us and you know, a lot of us, um, who were in a long-term relationship, I think, especially with my clients, I see that that idea that I made a mistake, I'm afraid of making another mistake, when really we can look at it in more of a mindful way that you didn't make a mistake, you. Did exactly what you needed to do with what you had, and you will do that again, exactly what you need to do with what you have. And in order to do that, you need to have some opportunities to meet people
Hoyt: 30:00
Mm-hmm.
Cindy: 30:01
are also looking to meet people and.
Hoyt: 30:05
And as we both know, magic does happen,
Cindy: 30:07
Magic happens in unexpected ways and unexpected times. And you know, I think the idea of FOMO is also, a belief that we can have control of the outcome. You know,
Hoyt: 30:21
Oh, that's an interesting point,
Cindy: 30:22
is I, I see that as people have more anxiety, they want more control of the outcome, that feels more comfortable. And in this situation, because there are so many choices, it can be overstimulating if we're trying to have control. So when we let go of the idea of having control of, is this my person and just let ourselves meet friends, that eases up some of that anxiety, don't you think?
Hoyt: 30:48
that's an excellent point. I do think so. So what we heard, one of the things that we heard Sabrina talk about was this, incognito mode. And I think you were telling me that you were on Bumble as well, right?
Cindy: 31:00
Bumble. Yeah, I was on a lot of them over time, but I did like Bumble best.
Hoyt: 31:07
did you remember that? Did they have that as a feature when you were
Cindy: 31:11
I remember hearing about it or seeing it somewhere, but I don't.
Hoyt: 31:15
Yeah.
Cindy: 31:17
I don't re I didn't ever use it, so I don't really recall.
Hoyt: 31:21
Yeah. It's kinda like having a v i P pass really, isn't it? I mean, you know, we get the backstage preview,
Cindy: 31:27
You know, I think that would've been nice.'cause there were times that I bumped into people online that I knew that, um, not that I was embarrassed about online dating, but that I. May have turned down for dates and I knew in the real world or something and then say, well, I'm not dating right now, or, or someone that was from work or something and that was
Hoyt: 31:47
yeah. So we have one more data to hear from and she's got a, a very different experience. Partly by circumstance and partly by choice. but she's not complaining about too many workable options. She talks about too many options, but she's got her filters and requirements tailored so tightly that. It's kind of only Mr. Wright that we get through, and really, it's only a Mr maybe,
Cindy: 32:23
Well, that goes back to your episode about the numbers. Yeah. Is it Mr. Wright at this time looking on this day?
Hoyt: 32:30
that's exactly right. Time and proximity, right? So, so let's hear from Wesley.
Wesley: 32:37
as I compare how Bumble operates versus, say, match an. Other ones where you can set some filters and criteria that you feel are more in line with what you're looking for, it will begin to, you know, eliminate people that didn't have either hobby. I mean, you name it there Match did have a lot of good filters you could choose from. Bumble doesn't have those. So when you're getting this plethora of anything and everything, And it's already sort of, for me personally, a distasteful experience. It, it is overwhelming. It's confusing, overwhelming, and then it feels like this colossal chore to weeded through the ones that would've easily been weeded. Three, four, you. If you could have set some basic parameters, that Bumble doesn't seem to utilize.
Hoyt: 33:37
So in your initial experience, there were an endless stream of these photos and profiles roughly in your, in your first, say, 24 hours that you were active on it. How many do you think you actually put in your maybe stable?
Wesley: 33:58
One or two.
Hoyt: 34:01
Cindy One or two. So with with Wesley, she's trying to find that needle in a haystack.
Cindy: 34:09
Right, right.
Hoyt: 34:11
and, and is not, really broadening up. So she's clearly not taking the approach of, all right, well let me, let me get out there. And just broadly taste of
Cindy: 34:22
Yeah. Yeah.
Hoyt: 34:23
yeah. and it's not that that can't work, but it's, it's even more work I would
Cindy: 34:28
I, that's what I think. I think filtering out is a lot of work, because it's not, It's not opening up possibilities. and I don't wanna say that it was easy for me to go out on as many days as I could in 30 days because I'm incredibly socially awkward, you know? So yeah, that was work. But I think meeting people in person was a better filter for me than the snippets online and the things they marked on their profile that were important, and the filters that they set. Because it also helped me learn to filter when I did look at profiles. So that experiment with lots of dates, increasing the numbers for a short period of time,
Hoyt: 35:13
Uh, so it trained you in recognizing patterns both that worked for you and that didn't work for you.
Cindy: 35:20
right. And how I was, it helped me understand how I was in this
Hoyt: 35:25
Yeah. Yeah.
Cindy: 35:26
Mm-hmm.
Hoyt: 35:27
You know, so there's one other thing that's a common theme with the three women that we heard from today, and I'd love to get your take on this. And that is that each of them. expressed a little bit of an, unease with the whole idea of online dating as if it was one of those things. Where am I really that desperate that I have to put a billboard out there with my face on it to get a chance to meet somebody.
Cindy: 35:58
I, I, one of my best friends, uh, she was, she was single before I was, and I remember her telling me, if you ever find me online dating, I want you to chop off my fingers. And then there, then, you know, years later, I was single and, and she still had an online date. And her kids, her adult kids would come up to me and say, would you please help my mom an online date? And she's had a little foray into it. Um, and, and I just, I think it's so fun when you embrace it, my friends who get past that resistance. You know what, it's, it's what we all do. It's almost like I joke that, everybody says, well, my therapist said lately, we just keep that a secret. And now that's what my therapist told me. But I, I find it interesting that it is an embarrassment still'cause it's such a natural way to meet people who
Hoyt: 36:46
Yeah. Yeah. And I do think that part of that is, generational, I mean, it's, it's like somebody, like, like you and I that were coming out of 25 plus year marriages, it's a different world, and it's a, it, it, it's a completely different world.
Cindy: 37:02
Yeah. Yeah. I love, I love talking to women about this and, I think it's, it's fascinating and men, it's a fascinating concept for our generation. My kids have no problem talking about it.
Hoyt: 37:14
And so as the, as the science, and you can kind of see from glimpses of these conversations that I've had with these three women that. There does get to be a level of dissatisfaction with the overall experience because here's this, it's raining men, but I might drown. Right?
Cindy: 37:34
Right, right, right. But you don't have to.
Hoyt: 37:37
You don't have to drown. You don't have to drown.
Cindy: 37:40
No, no. You pretty quickly learn how to swim and you take.
Hoyt: 37:45
any final thoughts here on, This idea of being overwhelmed by choice and the paradox that it represents.
Cindy: 37:52
Yeah, I definitely get that. It can be too much because when I, but I think the way that the choice can become too much is when we're actually dating and we see a flaw, then we go back. I don't think the paradox of choice applies to swiping. Because we don't really have the information. I think we need to have the information before we filter. And knowing that there are 25 other guys that you were talking to, when you start to get to know someone and something comes up, maybe you've dated'em for a couple of weeks and you're just not sure, you say, oh, am I ready to give up all those other choices
Hoyt: 38:29
Yeah.
Cindy: 38:30
and, and that's where the paradox of choice is a challenge. With online dating, there's something better.
Hoyt: 38:38
Well that makes great sense. Listen, I've really enjoyed having you here and, remind people how they can, if they're interested in, in some of the things that you're doing, how can they, how can they find you? I.
Cindy: 38:49
Oh yeah. Um, Atlanta Center for Wellness. is where my practice is. I have a free divorce support group. The women there get so much help from each other, and I love that. I love working with them. Atlanta Center for wellness.com, Cindy Hopper. And, um, let me know, you found me through Hoyt.
Hoyt: 39:09
Perfect. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. This was a great conversation, ed. I've thoroughly enjoyed it.
Cindy: 39:15
Oh, I, I enjoy it as well. And I always enjoy your podcast.
Hoyt: 39:20
If you're enjoying behind the swipe. You can subscribe to our weekly episode feed on apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And follow us on Instagram at behind the swipe podcast. Got an over 40 dating story. We'd love to hear it. Just go to behind the swipe.com and click on the, be a guest tab. We just might feature you on one of our upcoming episodes. I'm your host, Hoyt Prisock. Until next week. Swipe fearlessly.