Episode 15 -Finding Your Swagger

Finding Your Swagger

How do you date when you are either painfully shy or just introverted?  This episode focuses on the evolution of the self-help sub-genre that helps some men learn to better communicate in prospective romantic relationships.
My guest today is Dale Valor.  He is the author of The Inner Game, a professional dating coach and wing man, AND a former rapper.  Dale's style isn't for everyone - but that's exactly his point.  He wants to help these challenged men regain confidence to find success in the modern dating world.

This week’s Guest Co-Host

Dale Valor

Prior to joining Modern Flirting Dale worked with the biggest dating advice companies in the world behind the scenes (as well as starting one of the fastest-growing ones himself). He’s since become Modern Flirting’s resident Inner Game and Relationship Management Expert helping guys around the world deal with the negative beliefs and the programming society has pushed on them as well as build the foundation for unshakeable self-esteem and REAL confidence in themselves.

As he honed his skills and began working with more clients, Dale developed his own unique coaching style. He combines practical advice with a deep understanding of human psychology, helping his clients not only to improve their dating skills, but also to become more confident, authentic, and self-aware.

He believes that improving your dating life is not just about learning pickup lines or mastering seduction techniques – it’s about becoming the best version of yourself, both inside and out.

Transcript:

This is Behind the Swipe, the podcast that takes you inside the lives of real men and women over 40 who have taken the plunge into the often murky and sometimes exhilarating world of online dating. Each week, we explore new topics through the experiences and expectations of real online daters just like you. I'm your host, hoit Preissach. Join me as we peel back the one-dimensional dating profiles to discover the real men and women behind the swipe. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, about a hundred years ago, I possessed a lot of confidence in some areas of my life. Put me in front of a crowd and I could wax persuasively. If the topic was politics or technology, I felt like I could hold my own with just about anyone. But when it came to approaching women, my confidence evaporated faster than a sprinkle of rain on an Alabama summer sidewalk. Small talk with beautiful women, it turns out, was my kryptonite. I didn't have any obvious handicaps to which I could attribute this shortcoming. It was just that the fear of rejection was devastatingly paralyzing, which leads me to today's topic finding your swagger. Now, I know plenty of women with swagger, even though they wouldn't call it that, but this episode is about those guys we all knew from high school that were painfully introverted and shy. I remember ads back in the day in the back of magazines like National Ampune for books like how to Pick Up Women, as if all you had to do was to memorize pickup lines like chess openings and you'd be a wash in throngs of adoring women. Were it only so simple. Somehow most of these guys met and married. But when a twenty-year marriage ends for them and they find themselves at fifty once again alone, this learned behavior of thirty years before comes rushing back with a vengeance and they find themselves ill-equipped to enter the world of dating again. That got me wondering what are all these men doing to address their challenges today? What's the twenty-twenty-three version of mastering the art of the pickup? I found my answer yes, this whole self-help genre has evolved since the seventies, but there are fascinating threads that I wanted to explore and to that end, I've invited Dale Valor to join me today. Dale is the author of the Intergame. He's a dating coach, a professional wingman and a recovering rapper. Dale, thanks for joining me today.

Speaker 2: 3:00
I'm excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 3:02
I can't wait to dig into some of these topics and particularly your approach to helping guys out that are lost in the world, of how they interact with women and, obviously, with our audience. It tends to be particularly guys, 45, 50, 55 and sometimes older. Oftentimes they've come out of these long term relationships where, man, they haven't dated out in the world since they were 22 and here they are 55, right, and oftentimes they're in jobs that are maybe technical in nature and they work around a bunch of guys and so they don't interact with women or work at home Right, and they don't interact with anybody. That's a really good point. So you've also got a book out right.

Speaker 2: 3:57
So tell me about that book, the name of the book is Intergame how to fix your dating life by fixing the relationship that you have with you. All right, there's all kinds of different perspectives and mindsets and things like that as to why a guy may not be as effective as he would like to be with getting dates or just even communicating or whatever it is that they're looking for. And what I find is this look, if you've had a bunch of dates or a bunch of relationships or both, and seemingly they're not working out or they're just whatever's happening there is just it's just not going the way you want it to go, what's the common denominator in this mix, like I see so often, where guys are like oh all, women are just after your money and all that kind of thing. I see it online all the time, in particularly with what I do for a living being a dating coach. I'm obviously in front of a lot of guys voicing their opinions on these issues and it's prevalent to see guys just complaining and bitching and moaning about how women are, and I get it. You know what I'm saying. I would never suggest there's no such thing as a gold digger or something like that. I'm not as naive to say that that doesn't exist. But the thing is that, look, if everything in your life, when it comes to relationships or whatever, isn't working out, there's one common theme, and that theme is you. With intergame, the way I define it is if the relationship that you have with yourself sucks, there's a good chance every other relationship in your life is not going to be where you want it to be right. Because, look, if you have low self-esteem, I'm a piece of shit, whatever. However you think about yourself, how can you expect anybody else to think any different If you think that way about you? It's so funny, hoyt. I see so often, man, where guys are like they say these things to themselves, right, they have these mindsets and just negative self-talk and all this kind of thing. Now, if somebody that you didn't know walked up to you on the street and was like you're no good son of a bitch just railing on you, you'd be like man, I'm about to murder this guy. You know what I mean? How dare somebody walk up to me and talk to me like that? But we give ourselves permission to talk to ourselves any which way we want and just accept it, just because I thought it makes it true. I think this way. That must be the way that it is. I have a question for that person have you ever been wrong about anything in your life? I'm going to go on a limb and say you probably have at least a few times. So if you've been wrong about something, what makes you think that you couldn't be wrong about yourself? I think, man, a lot of guys particularly, like you said, man, guys that are in their midlife, a lot of these guys have been married or been in long term relationships and are getting out of it, and things like that. And the world has moved in a different way than what, maybe, than what they're used to, and things like that. All the same stuff that worked when you were younger still works today. Attraction hasn't changed. You know what I mean. The same thing that women were attracted to 20, 30 years ago none of that's really changed. The only difference is that maybe you've changed. Maybe it's not that you don't know how to communicate with women. It's that you know how you should act and how you should present yourself and things like that. But where the problem lies is being able to verbalize it, to be able to communicate it in a way that is going to be attractive. You know what I mean. You're a walking billboard to the world. You know what I mean. You're a way that you present yourself and things like that. What's funny? I was reading a study not that long ago and it's statistically proven that most guys, when they get into a marriage okay, I'm going to take, I'm going to even take a little bit of a step further back probably engaged. When they get engaged and then inevitably get married, okay, time stops for guys. Now women it doesn't. I mean, for some it does. I'm sure A woman still wants to feel and look attractive, not that you don't, but there's a higher premium on it. She's still probably going to keep up with fashion. She's probably still going to keep up with makeup, things like that, hairstyles and such Guys. However they dressed when they got married is how they pretty much continue moving forward, the music that they listen to. It stops there. They stop checking into new music and paying attention to what's going on around them. It's like this man Okay, now my computer has been begging me for a Windows update. Every time I jump on it, you ready, and I'm always not. I'm always like I got things to do while I get to this later. But even without that update, I still know how the computer works. I still know how to show up here and do this, even though I don't have that new update. Nothing has really changed. All it is just maybe a few new features, I don't know, maybe a security setting or two or something like that. But at the end of the day the computer pretty much operates the same. It's not too much different. It's not like all of a sudden it's in Japanese or something. I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 1: 10:20
So you're saying that a lot of guys are not up to date with their internal technologies?

Speaker 2: 10:26
here. Right, exactly, that's it, and I understand. Look, if you came out of a marriage and you get divorced, we'll just say and that's why that marriage ended. There's a lot of guys that take a real knock on their self-esteem. They're self-confidence, they start questioning and second guessing themselves a lot more, and for good reason. I understand that. That's human nature, but at the end of the day, it's okay. Just because that wife that you had, it didn't work out. That's not a commentary on you as an individual, as a person and who you are and the intrinsic qualities and values that you bring to the table. None of that changes. The only thing that changed is your approach to it. You're just not as confident in it as you once were. So that's what I see is just guys. Just they just need to update themselves. I was at the mall the other day and there's a stereotypical guy that I call a mall guy Now mall guy, and there's plenty of mall guys at the mall. When I went that's what made me even think of it. Mall guy is maybe he's got like a docker eyes-eyed polo shirt or something and some dockers or some dad jeans and some Avia sneakers or something like that, and he's good, he's good to go. Or maybe he's got on a t-shirt of a teeny likes and a flannel over if he's feeling like a little more relaxed that day. But that dude is invisible to women. He just blends in with the herd. There's nothing unique or special about him in his presentation. Of course there's unique and special things about that individual when you get down to it. But the woman doesn't know that All she's operating off of is what she knows at the time, and what she knows is that she doesn't even know that you exist because she's you're blind to her. You just blend in. That's the thing is. A lot of these guys just need to just step it up in their presentation. Yeah, sure, there's some things verbally that probably need work down to and stuff like that to a degree, but not as much as their presentation and certainly not as much as maybe what's going on internally with the relationship that they have with themselves. Like I said, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-discipline, being able to set boundaries, not being like the quote-unquote nice guy, these things all things are going to hold you back, and that's why I wrote the book Intergame to address those issues.

Speaker 1: 13:24
So, dale, in the second half of this show I really want to get into. All right, let's walk through a hypothetical guy that shows up to you. I'll describe some challenges for you and I'd like to walk through that process of. Okay seems like there are six things here that we need to deal with. Here's my approach to how I help you with your intergame to get past that. But I was curious about something that you said a little bit earlier, which is these guys that are coming back and saying, oh, they're all gold diggers, they're all just out for my money, and it seems to me that you get back what you put out. So if you're messaging somehow that is attracting this type of person, it's something in you, right. And look to be fair, a lot of these guys who have not been in a relationship or have not been in any kind of a deep, fulfilling relationship, can find themselves like, oh, I'm just, I'm reveling, I'm getting attention here, I'm reveling in that, and they're not discerning what the motivations and real expectations of that other person is. And when they find out that, hey, because you weren't bringing a lot to the table and maybe you got a wallet dude, then that's what the thing is, do you run into that with some of your guys and how do?

Speaker 2: 15:05
you advise them around. When I'm working with somebody, the first thing I'm going to do is have them go to free gift from Dalecom. So I have a whole. It's 100% free. But I got a whole exercise on there on how to know what your intrinsic value is. A lot of guys, when they think of value and worth, it comes down to dollars and cents and if you're going to lead with your wallet, don't be surprised that somebody chases after it. That's not to suggest that having money is a bad thing and being able to be financially secure and comfortable is a bad thing, but when you are trying to flaunt and showcase material possession over your intrinsic value, who you are, what's going on the inside with you, all you're doing is showing the types of people that are going to connect with that money that you're flaunting around. That's who it's going to. Of course, it's who's going to pick it up. You're going to have two different kinds of girls. If you're out in front of a club because you rented a Lamborghini and you're out revving the engine of the Lamborghini, you're going to get two types of girls. There's going to be girl A who rolls her eyes because it's too trihard, and you're going to have girl B who's going to be like oh, take me for a ride. Yeah, she's going to take you for a ride, you know what I mean. Like you keep it up because you can be trying to get hey, can you spot me at $1,000? Take me out to this expensive meal. The thing is that what a lot of guys don't understand is that it's not that most women I say most, not all. Again, there are gold diggers out there, to make no mistake but most women. It's not that they're attracted to the money per se, they're attracted to the characteristics and qualities that enabled you to get that money in the first place. Okay, like I'm going to lay out a few qualities, okay, and you tell me are these attractive qualities to most women or not? Confidence, yes or no?

Speaker 1: 17:15
Assurance 100%.

Speaker 2: 17:16
Yes or no? Okay yeah, leadership skills.

Speaker 1: 17:22
Absolutely Okay, that's just three.

Speaker 2: 17:23
I can keep going. Okay, but those three qualities. Not only is she attracted to those, but there's also the same qualities that enabled you to get that money in the first place. Now the thing is that the guys look at it and they're like, oh, she just wants my money. Does she or she's just attracted to the qualities that you embody that enabled you to get it? So that's the first thing. The second part of that is that if you demonstrate those qualities instead of demonstrating what you've got, when she discovers what you've got, she's all in, because she's used to the type of guy who's oh hey, come look at my, come, look at my super awesome BMW. She's used to that. What if you don't say a thing about it and just so happens, when you pick her up for a date or whatever, you're driving that super awesome BMW. She's going to be so impressed by the fact that you didn't weren't trying to like, impress her and flaunt it, and she's there sitting in your car because of those qualities that enabled you to have that car in the first place.

Speaker 1: 18:42
So, Dale, I had an opportunity a few days back here to have a long conversation with a guy that has become a client of your organization, attends these sessions that you guys have put together in various cities around the world, right, and has gotten a lot out of it. I asked him. I said why did you decide that you needed to do that? And unfortunately I don't have his audio because we recorded that and he had the top down in his convertible. It was awful, so I chose not to put the audience through all of that as we. So I'm going to paraphrase that guy. He was a good looking guy, he's got a lot going on and what he told me? He said I couldn't figure out why I could get the attention of these women and I would start dating them and they would leave me. He said it's something about how I was communicating with them that turned them off and I couldn't figure out what it was. Do you see that kind of thing with some of these guys? Clearly, here's a guy that was 70% there. That happens a lot. That's a little bit more.

Speaker 2: 20:14
Rare than most of the guys that start working with me. Most of the guys are like 10% there, not seven there. You know what I mean. Yeah, a lot of these guys have struggled greatly and I was right there with Well I get. Took me a long time to get this figured out, years and years of banging my head, which is why the working was having a personal trainer. Your growth is gonna go up exponentially if you're taking instruction from somebody who knows what they're doing and what they're talking about, as opposed to you trying to figure it out and wing it and all that kind of stuff which builds frustration and takes up a ton of time and all that there's just way more efficient. But these guys, and this guy in particularly the ones who what I would consider to be intermediate, like he's not super socially stunted, he's not got a bunch of Social anxiety, which is a lot of the guys that I work with or in that camp. For somebody like him, he could have a conversation, he could even Attract them, maybe go on a date or two or three even. But then there's something, and For him it was having the pendulum swing to in two different extremes. In one extreme, and this is a trap a lot of guys fall into is I Can't state my intent, I can't tell her that I want to date her, I can't tell her that I would like to have a relationship with her, I can't tell her that I like her because I need to be stoic and I need to be of the international man of mystery, that she can't figure me out, and things like that. But all that's doing is leaving her confused and leaving her Wondering where is this going? Does this guy even actually like me? Or is he just trying to sleep with me? Because he's not giving me anything at a certain point, that's a recipe for the friend zone. I don't feel a connection with you, for good reason you haven't given her anything to connect with like surface. He stopped like okay, he's funny, he's good company, but there's nothing substantial there. And then the pendulum swings the other way. Or a guy is Spilling his guts. They had a half hour conversation and he's about ready to propose to work, and so it's two extremes of the same situation, and that's where guys who are like that 70% that you're talking about that's oftentimes where they find themselves Is either given too much to her and she feels smothered, or this guy's clingy or needy, so Lufan doesn't care. There's middle ground there. I call it cat string. So think of it like this. Imagine my phone charger here. Okay, imagine this is Yarn or something, right string. Right, here's a cat you do. If I start dangling this thing around, what's gonna happen? right, you can't start to want to play with it and things like that. Okay, now, if I keep it way up here, cats way down here and I'm I start doing this, the cats gonna be interested for a little bit and even try to get it, but every time it goes to get it I pull my hand away. We're just so it's out of reach At a certain point. That cats gonna be like this is a waste of time. I'm never gonna get that thing and so I give up. I'm gonna go sleep or something. Conversely, if here's the cat, if I drop the, I play with it for a little bit, but then I just completely drop it all together and it's just laying there limp on the floor. The cat's gonna bad-added a couple of times and get bored and off it goes. Bottom line is you want to be Right inside of the cat's reach where it's still a challenge. It's still challenging to the cat, which makes it fun, but it's not. You're not giving it to the cat and you're not taking it away from the cat. So that middle ground that's where those 70% guys struggle the most is staying in that middle ground, where you have some sense of mystery to you, where it's fun discovering and new, new things about you and what you're about and different sides of your personality and things like that. That's fun and interesting. That's exactly where you want to be, is right in that middle ground.

Speaker 1: 25:01
I love that. Hey, dale, it's probably a good time for us to take a short break and then, when we come back, I want to walk through a couple of scenarios of guys that so I'll make up some guys or I'll amalgamate from some of the ones that I've talked to here, and then we're going to talk about approaches to understanding the intergame and how you work with those folks and what comes out the other side, which you've seen. We'll do that right after the break. Behind the Swipe is made possible by real online daters just like you, willing to share their personal and authentic stories and perspectives as they seek love, romance and intimacy online. Head on over to BehindTheSwipecom. Click the Be a Guest link at the top of the page. Here you'll learn about some of our upcoming episode topics and how you can help. We are back, and I'm here with Dale Valor, so I wanted to ask you about something that I was really curious about. There is the perception among a lot of men and a lot of women that when you see things like, here are the eight tricks that you need to pick up a woman. It's smacks of taking advantage of some of these poor schmucks, right? But second, it's not that easy, right? It's not that easy and it's not something that you can just memorize and walk into a bar and say magic, that's magic. Somebody told me that. Help me to distinguish what you do from that.

Speaker 2: 26:48
So when you see something like that the eight top ways to get a girl on a date, okay, you see something like that, that's a very clickbaity title, okay, and I do the same thing. I'm like full disclosure. I put out stuff that like that kind of thing too, but with the full understanding that like, okay, there's more to it than the magic, the eight magic bullets here. You know what I mean, and whoever is watching that it opens up to their perception to suggest. You know what? I thought I knew something, but I don't. And this is showing me how lost in the weeds I am. And so maybe I start checking out more content, maybe I have a conversation with Dale, maybe I book a call and maybe I join modern success, like, and that's the hope, right? But yeah, you're right, you can't just give somebody do this thing and everything is going to work out, because if that was the case, everybody would just do that thing.

Speaker 1: 27:58
Let's go into a hypothetical here. Let's say that I'm a guy of 52, right, and I am a software developer by day, mostly work at home. Most of the people, most of my coworkers, are guys. I don't have a lot of interaction with women. I was married up until five years ago. My wife cheated on me. I didn't know it for a couple of years until she said hey, pal, I'm out of here, right? And so the message I'm telling myself is man, I'm a loser here. I didn't even see any of this shit going on. I thought things were just fine, right, and I got no exposure. I haven't had a conversation with a woman, at least in any kind of a romantic scenario, for a long time. I don't even have anything to bring to the table, right, I might be, like you said, about two hours overweight. I looked at the geek type and I come across some of this stuff on YouTube from Dale and it says that looks interesting. I'm going to set up a call with Dale.

Speaker 2: 29:25
So what I'm going to tell that guy is first of all, I'm going to have him do the intrinsic value exercise that I do that's free gift from Dalecom and start seeing what his worth is. He's probably my hunch would be he's probably doing a lot of ruminating on the situation. The problem with that is you're living in the rear view mirror. All the what ifs in the world. They can change the situation. That's water under the bridge. It's done. So what are we going to do? Moving forward, what I'm going to have that person do if we start working together is OK A, we're going to work on their inner game, the relationship that they have with themselves, and help that person understand that they are not their actions. All those what ifs what if I did this? What if I said this? Maybe I should have been around more. Maybe I shouldn't have worked this hard? Ok, maybe, but what if you didn't? Maybe she would have left you because you're in a financial pinch all the time. You don't know. You don't know what you don't know. The thing is that if that person, if they could start realizing what it is their value, what it is that they bring to the table, start rediscovering who they are. That's the thing is that we're not our actions. What we are is a culmination of things, and that's why that exercise is so important. But then, second to that, because they've been out of the game, because they're not used to socializing and things like that, I'm going to have them Small chunk it like I can't give somebody some advice, that's Yup, by the end of the weekend, man, you're going to have your next wife. That's unrealistic, but what I can do is help you work on the anxiety of going and approaching some girl at the bar, at a sporting event, at church, at whatever picnic, whatever the case is. Start getting over that anxiety of going and approaching her. Then what we're going to start working on is okay, what is it that you're saying initially? What are you starting the conversation with? Like a lot of times, that makes or breaks what's going to happen If you walk up to her. Hi, my name's Dale. What's your name? Oh, I've got a boyfriend. Because she's already assuming that you're walking up to hit on her. What I teach my guys is this women are very in tune with this and they're just so used to this. They think that every guy wants something from them If she's an attractive girl. It's much like you being worried about a girl trying to get you for your money. You're worried that you're just there just to hit on her, to get sex from her or whatever. What I instruct my guys to do is give value. Everybody likes being around a person that gives value. I'm not saying go over the top and dole out a million compliments and things like that. I'm not saying that. But if you can give value by simply saying something like oh hey, I just wanted to come up and say I love your energy, you guys are killing it. You guys look like you're having a great time. You're not asking anything from her. You're not suggesting anything suggestive, you're just making a statement about her state at the time.

Speaker 1: 33:03
That's it, her state, and its effect on you, right.

Speaker 2: 33:08
Yep, 100%. Then, as the conversation starts to go a little bit more, have an engaging conversation. No, woman is like man. Oh man, she's waking up. Hope I don't have a really good conversation today. I hope they're all just shallow and just shake. No, she wants to have good conversation. She wants to have a little bit deeper of a conversation. Things aren't just super surfacing and things like that. That's all you giving value. Those endorphins are firing. She's liking what's happening. So that's how we're small chunking it. I'm not like hey, man, here's a bunch of pickup lines. Go get them tiger. You know what I mean. That's not going to be helpful to that guy at all. But if you can start getting used to getting in conversations and things like that now, once he's more comfortable with that, now we have something to build on top of.

Speaker 1: 34:11
So when you talk about small chunking Dale, that is all right. Let's not work on boiling the ocean here. Let's work on this piece, and that's this week. You're going to work on this piece. Next week we might start on another chunk of that.

Speaker 2: 34:30
Is that the kind of thing you're talking about? It's very systematic because, look, it's like this man. If, say, you were to go to Ikea, okay, and you're like man, I need to get a new table, I'm going to Ikea, all right. Now they got the little wrench thing. You know what I mean. You got to put this thing together. You know, like, unless you're some type of savant or something like that, like odds are, you're reading the instruction manual point by point. Okay. One, do this. Okay, did that, all right. Two, do this Okay, did that? In likelihood, you're not reading the whole thing, folding it up, putting it away and then putting the table together. You know what I mean? Like you're going step by step and that's the way that most people effectively learn things. And so why would this be any different If we're talking about communication skills and being charismatic and things like that? Take it step by step as opposed to being like I hope I got this mastered by the end of the weekend. Come on, man, that's crazy. If I walk into the gym and I can bench 100 pounds and I'm like I hope I can bench 300 pounds by the time I leave the gym today, I'm in for a rude awakening Ain't going to happen. I got to work up to it.

Speaker 1: 35:54
I imagine that some of these chunks have to do with and I'm bringing it back to behind the swipe here online dating right At what point do you begin to encourage your clients and the guys that you work with to get online, and what kinds of things do you work with them to help present themselves and attract really the kind of people that would respond?

Speaker 2: 36:22
to them. All right, so that's going to be a case by case thing. Okay, some guys are ready to go with that type of thing right from the get. I. Usually in my mind it goes like this I want you to be more comfortable walking up, approaching women, like at events or parties or whatever people that you don't know and being able to walk up, strike up conversation and being able to communicate with them effectively before jumping on online dating apps. And the reason for that is is because it doesn't do you a lot of good if you have a great profile and you get a bunch of dates and they all turn out terrible because you don't know what you're doing. It's the cart before the horse. I want you to be able to communicate. I want you to be able to have good dates, not just dates.

Speaker 1: 37:15
So the theory here is that, look, if you can't have a micro date in a room where you're just meeting somebody new, right, where there's no pressure, then by the time you get across the table with a glass of wine, you're going to totally screw it.

Speaker 2: 37:35
In likelihood. Yeah, I'm sure there's examples where that hasn't happened, but if I'm playing the odds and you're telling me that you're just horrible with women, okay, you get a date. It's probably going to be horrible. So that's what I'm getting at is, I want you to be able to converse and be able to have a good date before actually being able to get dates. Then what we're going to do is we're going to work on their profiles and the understanding of dating apps and how they work and how to use them effectively and how to communicate inside of the app and how to get them off the app. There's a lot of steps just in that little thing alone. I think that it's, first and foremost, the most important thing is your pictures. If you don't have good pictures, get some. I'm not saying that you have to go and get them professionally done, although that's not a terrible idea all the time. If you in the mix, it can be effective. What I see is a lot of guys and we're guys women know how to take pictures. They just do. Guys use terrible angles. They don't use the lighting correctly, if at all. They take them in these weird ass places like here's me leaning against the counter Okay, you know what I mean. Or this one where you're looking up the guy's nose he's sitting in a car with a baseball hat on and some sunglasses or something. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 39:11
Or here's me holding the fish. Those are the ones I hear from women as the biggest complaints. Right Are the pictures in cars, right the selfies in cars and the pictures with the trophy bass?

Speaker 2: 39:24
that you just pulled out Under no circumstance I shouldn't say no circumstances 99% of the time. No selfies, don't do it. Have somebody take pictures, okay. The one exception to that is if you're doing it ironically. Okay, you're like, make it super over the top, cheesy, make fun of the people that do it poorly. You know what I mean. So that's the one exception. Yeah, you don't want to just like oh, I'm going to jump on Tinder right now. Let me take a few pictures. Click. What you do is when you do that, the way the algorithms work is much like social media. Okay. So you get on there. They're going to push you to see what happens when you're not getting any responses. Guess what and this is one of the things I hear guys complain about the most I don't ever get any matches. It's not that every woman thinks that you're horribly ugly, it's that they're not even seeing you. They're not putting you in front of them, because when you were, when they did push you, nothing happened and their job is to keep people on the app to see ads, buy premium Tinder or Bumble or whatever. So simply by starting it off right with some good pictures, get a few matches, things like that. That's going to be helpful. Your pictures should be the whole expression, right, the picture is worth a thousand words, okay. So what are your pictures saying about you? What are those thousand words saying? If it's just you sitting there with a stupid look on your face, it says to her the story that she's seeing is this is a guy that is boring as hell, but what you want to do is things you enjoy, things you like to do. But if you like to throw a football around at the beach, instead of saying you're a guy that's super ripped, you're in great shape, all right, don't just take your shirt off and take a bathroom selfie. Okay, no, use it in context. Go to the beach and throw a football around with some buddies or whatever, and hand somebody. Take a picture of that. Now, it's in context. You're not like one of these guys. Like, oh, check out my pecs. Like it makes sense why you don't have a shirt. You're at the beach. So those action shots of you doing things, it makes a big difference. Your bio a lot of guys they don't know how to write a good bio and again, it depends on the app and how much you can put and how much you can't, and all that kind of thing. But and then that's another thing Do you understand the culture of the apps that you're on? Tender by and large tend to say difference, but it's pretty uncommonly known. It's a hookup app. So you want to present yourself. If that's what you're after, you need to word your bio and have your pictures reflect that. You're down for a hookup. Okay, you're down for a one night stand. Whatever the case is, if you're on Bumble, that skews a little bit more relationship. Still it's if this is hookup right here, and this is marriage Bumble's kind of probably about here, a little left to center, okay, little yeah skews a little more hookup, but it's definitely closer to the relationship side of it. Okay, so you don't want to be is upfront about that because it doesn't speak to it. If you're gonna be on e harmony, okay, cool, that's a relationship ad. You want to present yourself in a relationship light. If you're on farmers only you know you want to be on a tractor or something. That's what the fish is probably gonna work for you.

Speaker 1: 43:27
Dale. This has been so much fun and I Think we touched on a lot of great subjects that they're gonna be really important for people in our audience and Enlightened some of the women about what really happens. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 43:43
Yeah, no doubt, yeah, no doubt. And let's Boy, I appreciate you, man, thank you so much for having me on and talking to a couple of my guys and things like that. Man, that's super cool, man, super cool.

Speaker 1: 43:56
I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Dale, remind people how they can find you on my eyes.

Speaker 2: 43:59
Firstly, if you just simply google Dale Valor, you'll find an endless list of things to find. Okay, but the best way to do it is if you go to free gift from Dale calm, you can reach out to me, you can book a free consultation call, and we can sit down and have a conversation and just see where you're at. Man, like I put it like this I don't twist people's arms. I'm not a sales II. You know what I mean, but what I am the kind of guy I am, though, is the guy that will arm you with information and let you make the best decision for yourself. So if you just are curious, just want to see what it's about and see if it makes sense for you, then go to free gift from Dale calm, and we can chat. Now, top of that, you can do that. Even if you don't want to do that, you can still do the extra, the exercise to know who you are at the core, and you can download the first chapter of my book for free.

Speaker 1: 44:56
That sounds fantastic Listen. Thanks again so much for coming and.

Speaker 2: 45:03
Yeah, let's play too.

Speaker 1: 45:05
Dale Valar, everybody. I wanted to thank Dale once again for joining me today. I Knew this wasn't going to be your typical behind-the-swipe episode, while our discussion focused on a specific group of men, as they either work to reclaim or Build from scratch that thing we know as swagger, we are all subject to the kind of negative self-talk that can undermine our romantic relationships before they even begin. Not many of us need a Dale Valar to shake us out of our funk, but sometimes we do need that friend that always sees the best in us to remind us that you know what? I'm? A pretty damn good catch. I'm your host, white price. Oh, we'll see you next time on behind-the-swipe. Until then, swipe fearlessly.