Hoyt: 0:42

Well, it's February, which means Valentine's Day, and today's episode is a Valentine's Day-themed show, but probably not in the way you're thinking. Leave the red roses, the boxes of chocolates and the candlelit dinners to those among us who are happily ensconced in a romantic relationship. Today's focus is on those of us who are not currently attached to that special someone. Well, let me correct that I mean not attached to a romantic partner, because you do have a special someone already, and it's you. This show is all about being your own damn Valentine. But before we dig in some fun facts from my research for this episode Apparently, we've been celebrating Valentine's Day as a romantic holiday since the Middle Ages.

Hoyt: 1:36

It's thought that the specific selection of this time of year comes from the mid-February, beginning of mating season for birds. You know, the story of Saint Valentine himself is actually a bit macabre. You see, back in 269 AD in Rome, Saint Valentine was performing marriage ceremonies for Roman soldiers, which was strictly forbidden by law. So he was arrested and jailed. Now, while in jail he said to have healed his jailer's blind daughter. He sent a note later that was signed your Valentine, and the practice of exchanging notes and cards has been with us ever since. Oh yeah, the macabre part. The Roman government executed him the next day, Didn't even get a rose, let alone a candlelit last supper. So much for the history lesson.

Hoyt: 2:30

Let's talk about falling in love with yourself. I could think of no one better to explore this topic with than Sadie Marie. Sadie Marie is the host of Sadie's Divorced and Happy podcast, empowering divorced men and women globally to embrace the exciting, playful and even spicy life that awaits them after divorce. The podcast is about to launch its fifth indulgent season in March of this year. Sadie also produces divorced and happy social events in cities across the country, including the Twin Cities where she's from, Denver and Chicago. You can learn more about Sadie at divorcedandhappynet. I am so happy to have you with us today.

Sadie Marie: 3:18

Lloyd, I almost want to ask you to be my Valentine. Can we get to be our own Valentine today, so that'll be extra fun.

Hoyt: 3:26

Let's do that. So before we start out, I think it will be obvious to people why I thought you would just be perfect for this episode because you have a story girl. So tell us a little bit about your backstory, starting before the divorce.

Sadie Marie: 3:44

Before the divorce yes.

Sadie Marie: 3:47

That is after the divorce. That's so much more interesting. Before the divorce, I was married and I was not feeling connected to my then husband. I felt very lonely in my marriage. I'm sure a lot of your listeners can resonate with that. I was not really in love with my life. I had a business that I enjoyed. I have two children, of course, that I've always adored and loved, but I was very unhappy and then I decided to have my own back and change my life, and so I asked for a divorce summer of 2018. I was divorced by October 8th Legally of 2018, it happened really quick. I'm so grateful. Well, I reconnected with parts of myself and I also reinvented myself. I've been living a very happy life since.

Hoyt: 4:36

I want to ask about that reinvention. Was there a pivotal time that you can remember after your divorce where you said to yourself look, I've got to pick myself up by my bootstraps here and do this reinvention because the Sadie that I was is not the Sadie that I want to bring into the world? Do you remember a pivotal point where you were making that decision?

Sadie Marie: 5:01

Well, I'm a business owner and so I've always had to hustle, because I'm a photographer, so I'm used to the hustle, so I was ready to hustle harder. I have no fear around that really. But the reinvention was more like my playfulness. It was how I got to focus on something outside of the stress of divorce. So, reinventing what I wanted to wear and how I wanted to, you know the external things, how I wanted to wear my hair differently, just how I wanted to travel more by myself. I started to indulge in solo trips. One of my favorite cities is New York City and so what would have been my 11th wedding anniversary, I took myself on a solo trip to New York City and I walked the Brooklyn Bridge and I said Montress to myself and I just showered myself with love and met some new people, went on a few dates, of course, hoi, hello, and on the last, and so you know that month November, a month after my divorce was legal I just really jumped into the freedom that I had after divorce and I've never looked back.

Hoyt: 6:02

Would today's Sadie recognize the Sadie of pre-divorced?

Sadie Marie: 6:06

When I look at pictures of myself from the last year or two of my married life, I I see much well. I had very short hair. I weighed about 30 pounds more and you know it's me, but it's not like the happy living life to her fullest me. It wasn't someone who was taking care of herself. You know, I wasn't eating while I wasn't exercising. I used food a lot just for emotional support, so I would eat to feel better. I don't do that anymore. I have other things that helped me feel good inside without having to use food. I think that's kind of a common theme for people. Some people may shop or they may drink too much just to fill in something that's missing. But now, post-divorce, I have so much more purpose in life and, yeah, I just I love talking about this topic. I could talk about it for a long time, so thank you again for having me today.

Hoyt: 6:59

You have taken this whole reinvention public. You were out there with your own podcast. You were out there on Instagram. You've bared everything as a part of this process the ups and the downs and all of the things. I just listened to one of your episodes that you replayed from a couple of years ago on. I'm Not Gonna Be the Nice Girl anymore.

Sadie Marie: 7:24

Oh yeah, no More Good Girl Recovery Good Girl.

Hoyt: 7:27

Yes, I love that episode.

Sadie Marie: 7:30

Where do you live, Hoyt what?

Hoyt: 7:31

are you doing? I'm in Atlanta.

Sadie Marie: 7:33

Okay so you're in this cell Southern women are probably raised. I'm just completely making an assumption here. I live in the Midwest. I'm assuming a lot of Southern women were raised to be very good, very agreeable, very polite very sweet, absolutely.

Sadie Marie: 7:45

Well, we Midwestern ladies same thing East Coast, what ladies may be different? Right, but I was raised. I'm the daughter of a minister. I was raised to be the epitome of a good girl. And when I say good girl, I don't mean like I'm out now breaking the law and being quote bad. It's just more about I'm not apologizing. I'm not apologizing for things I don't need to be sorry for. I have my opinions. I own them. I'm not looking to make everybody like me, I'm not looking to take care of somebody else and so, yeah, recovering good girl right here.

Hoyt: 8:18

Well, I'm going to do a whole episode on that later in this season, so I can't wait to get into it and it ties in to the topic that I want to talk about today. But before we dig deep in that, tell me about the podcast, why you started that and who it's really for, because I know from my listening to it that a whole bunch of folks that listen to behind the swipe are going to want to tune in to say he's divorced and happy. So tell me a little bit more about it.

Sadie Marie: 8:46

Sure Well, like I shared about my November adventure right after divorce, I started to learn pretty quickly just how much fun life after divorce was, and I thought, oh my gosh, like why aren't we talking about this more?

Hoyt: 9:01

I mean.

Sadie Marie: 9:02

I felt like I had to. Like you know, I'm over here living my fun, delicious life. You want to have this for yourself. Well, if you're not happy in your marriage and things aren't going to improve, divorce is an option and you can create a wonderful life afterwards. So I really wanted to have a platform where I could help people who are either contemplating if a divorce was a good fit for them, or they've already been divorced, or they're going through the process. Wherever they're at, they can listen to my podcast and have something to look forward to. So the tone of my podcast well, it's very playful. My topics are a little more out of the box. You know I'm not really interviewing attorneys and accountants on my podcast I'm interviewing sex experts and people who are enjoying more indulgent adventures, that type of thing. So I have a lot of fun. I kind of call my podcast the dessert of divorce podcast.

Sadie Marie: 9:53

So you might love this podcast, like Susan Guthrie, who is a colleague and friend of mine, and she's going to talk about all these things related to the legal part of divorce, and then you're going to listen to my podcast and you're going to learn about how to use a vibrator again after divorce. So I mean it's all to help, right, it's all to help, but I have a very playful, spicy slant to mine. Wait the focus is more about life after divorce than actually the divorce process.

Hoyt: 10:20

So you've gotten very good feedback on your presence online.

Sadie Marie: 10:23

I just wanted to add though you asked me when I started the podcast. So I started it during COVID because I, again, I'm a business owner, so I couldn't really be working, because I couldn't work remotely and I needed something to give me a boost and to give me some purpose again. So I decided, I committed to doing this podcast. I started pre-production August of 2020 and I dropped my first episode January of 2021. And I just love it. I love doing it.

Hoyt: 10:53

Well, congratulations, and I encourage everybody to tune in and give it a listen. So let's dig into the topic here. Part of the research that I was doing apparently plenty of fish, which is one of the online dating sites, did a survey that actually was done right before the pandemic hit and they were talking about Valentine's Day, and it turns out that 58% of the respondents said that Valentine's Day was overblown, there's too much focus on it, it's too commercial, and, in fact, one in five of them said we should just get rid of it all together. So I want to talk about two aspects of this issue of being your own Valentine. One is around the reinvention. I think that so many people who are online dating are feeling like they're invested in this mission of trying to find a partner online and, in my opinion, they kind of get the horse before the cart a little bit right, is that? No, like you have to create this special bond with yourself first, right?

Sadie Marie: 12:07

Well, and I'll talk about that too, but I'm just listening to you smiling over here because after divorce I just enjoyed dating, because it was fun. It was a way to meet people and have fun.

Sadie Marie: 12:19

Because the stakes were low, because I wasn't looking for a significant other, I just was looking to relearn how to date. So those early couple of years of dating, I'm like gosh, those were so fun. I wish I could go back because my attitude was like, well, I mean, I'm not looking for a boyfriend, so let's just have a good time and I dated. I have dated people from all over the country because of that attitude. So I think for the listener.

Sadie Marie: 12:45

Dating is absolutely what you make of it. So I would recommend, if you're open to this idea, to really lower the stakes in the quality of the human that you go out with. Like you absolutely want to have a date with someone who's going to be respectful and fun and all of that, but just the expectation of how that connection is going to play out. Just focus on the date. Like you want to have a fun date. Set the bar a little bit lower for yourself when it comes to self love or enjoying my own company. I did a podcast episode about the honeymoon stage after divorce, or you could call it romancing yourself, which was basically what the episode was about, and my guest was a comedic actor here in the Twin Cities. She's hilarious, miss Shannon Paul, and she and I just talked about all the ways we love to romance ourselves, and for me it's being creative, it's gathering people together. I have fun connecting with friends Like to me in a way, that's taking care of myself. It's romancing myself, I think. Sometimes we think romancing ourselves means that nobody else can be involved. It's just me, all by myself, and that's frankly true. I mean, I enjoy plenty of things by myself, but I think romancing yourself is about creating your own Valentine's Day experience. Maybe you want to be doing that with friends. I mean, valentine's Day is the day before it's February 13. You could have a fun, spicy night with your girlfriends on Valentine's Day or on Valentine's Day.

Sadie Marie: 14:09

One activity that we did at my pajama party is we did a game called Pillow Talk. Well, all you need is a pillowcase I used red silk pillowcases and you just put what I like to call burning questions which means they're a little spicy in the pillowcase. But you can have PG questions too and people can draw a question and it's just a fun way of getting to know people. That'd be super fun to do with your girlfriends. People bring wine, desserts, et cetera. You play a couple spicy games like Pillow Talk and you just laugh and have fun. I mean that to me that's huge self-care, because people would leave that party that I created for them and I would feel so much love for myself and so much appreciation for myself and like, oh my gosh, thank you for doing that for me. So I don't think self-care and romancing yourself will have to just be like you go out for dinner by yourself. You can't, and I've done that and I think it's great, but sometimes we limit our understanding of what that can look like.

Hoyt: 15:05

When you reinvented Sadie. Tell me some of the specific things that you said OK, I'm changing this in order to focus on me. I mean, many more women than men have spent years and years being outward focused. I'm taking care of the spouse, I'm taking care of the kids, I'm taking care of parents. It's all outward focused. And now, in the post-divorce world, it's time to turn a little bit of that love on yourself and a lot of that care back on yourself. So what are some of the specific things that you intentionally did post-divorce?

Sadie Marie: 15:47

Well, I've shared a few solo trips, creating a podcast, creating fun social events, those things. For me was getting back to myself. I'm a creative person, I'm a social person, I'm an adventurous person. So I think, for the listener, one thing I'd love to do, hoyt, after my divorce is, honest to God. I would sit in the nook of my kitchen, I would listen to throwback Lionel Richie music. It was very specific. I don't know why I was crushing on Lionel during that time, but I was crushing on Lionel Richie. So I'd play my Lionel Richie and I'd look out my window and I'd eat oranges or a journal and I would just sit there and sometimes I'd cry and sometimes I would write in my journal or daydream or whatever I wanted to do. So for me, that was one of my solo activities that was really nurturing and just allowed me to be, because I am if you haven't learned about me enough yet already in this interview I'm a very busy woman, I'm a go-getter, right, but what I've learned also to do since divorce is to just be still and feel and breathe, which has been a new thing for me. So that was one of my favorite new. Here's the new Sadie. I'm going to do more of this because I needed that. I needed to just take breaks and be and not do so. That is something that the listener can create.

Sadie Marie: 17:13

Where do you like to go to just be? I live in the state of 10,000 lakes. I love to go walking by water. I love to sit on a dock at my favorite lake and just look at the water, talk to the water again, just be and breathe. But there are a lot of ways that you can enjoy time by yourself that can connect with things that you love, so that you feel like yourself again.

Sadie Marie: 17:37

I mean, you know, some people may be playing music, some people maybe it's just indulging in books. I have a girlfriend. She's just an avid reader and her self-care is reading a book. I mean, I like to listen to books. I don't have the same interest in necessarily reading them like that. So I think it's really identifying.

Sadie Marie: 17:55

Like what during my marriage did I just forget about? What did I completely let go of? To, like you said, take care of other people and do for others, and what from that list can I bring back now? And those things can be really affordable. It's not like you have to spend buckets of money to do those things. I mean sitting and staring out of windows free. Going for a walk is free. You can use your library. I know that sounds old school of me. I am a Gen Xer, so I do believe that libraries still have a purpose. But you can go to your local library and get books for free. So think about things that you have missed. Books are old friends. Nature is a friend. Music I think I liked listening to Lionel Richie during that time because it was so comforting. You know, the music was so comforting for me and it just made me feel like myself again, which was so wonderful.

Hoyt: 18:44

So you are naturally more outgoing, perhaps a little extroverted, right. Just a snitch Good to touch, and so, for what you've got to in your community, I know that you have people who aren't naturally that way, right, and so they're seeing other people in your position and you and saying, well, this is kind of a model for what I aspire to, but they don't know how to make that shift. So how do you talk to these people about breaking through their introversion and clashing and claiming their own identity?

Sadie Marie: 19:26

Well, I have a lot of friends who are introverts, but from my understanding of introverts, it's kind of how you charge your battery. So I think there's one thing about being an introvert versus being shy, and what I'm hearing is you're talking more about, maybe, people who are being shy.

Hoyt: 19:40

Perhaps I am, yeah, yeah.

Sadie Marie: 19:41

Okay. So again, one thing that I've noticed just by doing these live events for divorced and happy singles is a lot of people who might consider themselves to be quote shy attend these events because it's a way to meet new people where they don't have to really labor beyond attending, and so once they attend a meetup event, they're going to meet people who have a similar interest or experience and have things to talk about. And so at my events I am being an empath and, being my first career, I was a therapist, actually a mental health therapist, so I'm pretty sensitive to other people and I can kind of pick up if someone's maybe a little more shy, and so it's really being intentional to be inviting to everyone. So if you're someone who feels a little more shy and it's a little trickier for you to meet new people, I say try a meetup event. It doesn't have to be one about dating per se. Again, it can be anything that you're interested in, because there are Uh-huh.

Sadie Marie: 20:43

Whatever you're interested in, I promise you there's a meetup for it. If you like bowling, if you like singing, I don't know. I have a girlfriend who's divorced. She joined a choir after her divorce. I mean, what a wonderful way to connect with people organically by being in a choir. You show up, you learn music together, you perform together, you build relationships. So I say again, just what do you want to do now? What?

Hoyt: 21:07

do you want to do?

Sadie Marie: 21:07

that's going to fill your cup and feed your soul and help you also get out of your house. And I think, looking at community activities, looking at volunteering there's so many opportunities to volunteer at, for example, theaters or sporting events. I mean there's just a lot of different Just to get out into the world. Maybe you aren't going to meet friends immediately, but just to get out into the world and be amongst others. I think there's something just wonderful about being in a crowd and just being with people watching a game or listening to a concert or something like that, don't you think?

Hoyt: 21:44

I do, and I think that if you put yourself out there and you engage in some of the interests that you have, you will find your tribe and that's really what it's all about is really resonating with your tribe, because not only is it a fun, interesting activity for you, but it helps you learn more about yourself through that process.

Sadie Marie: 22:10

I agree we're always learning. I know at the Jama party I learned some different things about how I do a pajama party differently. I mean, we're always learning, so there's nothing wrong with that. Learning makes us feel alive. So what do you want to learn? Maybe you could take a community ed class and learn something new. That's wonderful. You're going to meet people in the class.

Hoyt: 22:29

So, even if your goal was not necessarily to find a romantic relationship or partnership which can be for a number of reasons, right, you might say, well, no, I really want to be permanently partnered with somebody. I really just want as you did I want to put myself back out in the world and have fun, right, I want to engage with the world, and that's why you were out dating. So it could be any number of reasons. But for those people who say, yeah, ultimately I do want a solid romantic relationship with a best friend with benefits, right. So I think that for those people who have their framing set at I'm on a mission to go find a partner, the other side of that coin is they're putting themselves second. They're investing so much in everything's going to be fine when I found my partner right, I hear you.

Hoyt: 23:31

I think the value in being your own Valentine is that, no, you got to invest in this first, just for yourself. Don't attach future happiness to anything external, because it's got to come from inside of you.

Sadie Marie: 23:47

Right. I think going on solo trips was such a great liberating experience because I'm pretty fearless, and it just reinforced that I can have fun on my own. And again, that can look different for different people and depending what you're interested in. So one thing that I also really am grateful that my divorce has given me is just an appreciation for my own company. You know I myself to be pretty entertaining, fun, creative. Again, I can get caught up in a project and just be by myself for hours.

Sadie Marie: 24:21

I think my podcasting, for example, has also given me purpose, and so, for the listener today, what is your purpose Meaning? What really again gives you meaning in life? What does that look like for you and for me? Because my podcast connects me to people. It allows me to talk about a topic that I really have a lot of positivity and excitement around. It helps me know that I'm making a difference in the world. I mean, I'm sure for you too. It's like you get information, you get feedback from your listeners Like wow, this episode really helped me. Or your Instagram page. I go to it and I laugh and I connect with others and it's great. I mean, all of that gives me purpose.

Sadie Marie: 25:02

And one thing I learned just a couple of years ago is when I took a break from dating and I really just wanted to focus on going more inward and just getting really comfortable with myself. And I was actually at that season in my life after divorce. I was really sad because I had given too much power to someone that I really liked and he was just not in the same place. He didn't resonate with what I was wanting, and so I thought, okay, now this is a good time to take a break and not be trying to use somebody else to feel good about myself. I can just learn how to feel good about myself on my own, and so it was a good season of life to just be like yep, I have my back, I enjoy my own company, I have things that I'm doing that give me purpose, I have a social circle that loves me, I have children that I have a great relationship with, and just really reminding yourself that you have a lot going for yourself and adding one more human, maybe that I'll add a nice layer and hopefully some spicy fun yum, and it's not going to necessarily change your life, because you are the one that creates your life and one other human. Added to that, experience isn't going to, in my opinion, hopefully won't just like change your life for the better. And so now, where I'm out of my life, I just feel just at peace about dating and all of that, because I just am so happy with my life. I just really love my life.

Sadie Marie: 26:25

And maybe someone's listening and they aren't in that space, and that's okay, and just allow yourself to focus on what is going well for me, what is working right now. Maybe I'm not so in love with my life, but there has to be. I have to believe there is one thing, listener, that's going pretty well for you, even if it's like the simplest thing, like I get up every day, I go to work, I work hard, I feel good after work, I come home, or I'm working out every day, or my kids and I have a great relationship. There has to be, I believe, one win that you could identify right now, and my encouragement is just to create more wins, big wins, small wins. I love the little wins, don't you Hoyt? Because they happen all the time, every day.

Hoyt: 27:08

I mean just as conversation is a win.

Sadie Marie: 27:10

I'll go out the chat here and I'll feel invigorated and hopefully you feel that way, and it's a win. And so there's always so many little wins that we can focus on, and again, the more that you can do that and create those wins for yourself. Discovering things that you love, finding purpose, creating community, trying new things, having adventures it's wonderful, and that's why I love divorce so much, because it's really inspired me to do what I'm talking about. It's not just talk, it's how I live my life. So it's easy to be my own Valentine and to romance myself.

Sadie Marie: 27:46

You know now, at five years out of divorce, I think when I did get you know, first divorced, I did date a lot because I didn't know what I know now.

Sadie Marie: 27:57

But what I know now is the things that I've just shared make my life so much richer and more delicious as I say on my podcast than I could have ever imagined. And so I'm grateful that I have chosen to date differently after divorce. I'm grateful that I don't have the same lens that I had when I was 20, thinking that one person was going to make my life everything I wanted my life to be, when I'm the one who's done that for myself and I don't say that like, oh, look at me, I think I'm just kind of a common, like a lot of people. I mean look what you're doing, look what our colleagues in the podcast world are doing. We're all doing this and that's why we all love each other's company, because we were having so much fun with our own lives and so it's easy to appreciate and enjoy somebody else and what they're doing in their life that they're loving too.

Hoyt: 28:42

That is so true. That is so true, sadie. Hey, this is probably a good spot for us to take a little bit of a break, because I want to shift gears in the second half of the show and talk about the outward manifestations of being your own Valentine, like how you are perceived in the world, and I would say that and you just alluded to this just a moment ago that if you do that work and you invest in yourself and you create that life that you want, that is amazingly attractive to other people, and I want to talk about that when we come back in just a bit. If you're enjoying Behind the Swipe, I have two very specific ass of you, and exactly none of them will cost you a nickel. If you haven't already done so, please subscribe to our weekly newsletter. Here. You'll be the first to know about upcoming episodes and how you can participate, along with the tips and links to the stories and posts about online dating that I've found interesting To do. So just go to BehindTheSwipecom, wait for the pop-up and drop your email into the form. Secondly, we're committed to sharing this podcast with an even wider audience this year. You can help by following us on Instagram at Behind the Swipe Podcast. I truly appreciate your support and encouragement.

Hoyt: 30:11

Now let's get back to today's show. So we are back with Sadie Marie. Sadie is the host of Sadie's Divorced and Happy podcast, which you're in your fifth season of. You're about to launch your fifth season. What can we look forward to in season five?

Sadie Marie: 30:37

Well, I'm building from the energy that I created in season four. So a lot of more playfulness, some spicy fun and adventure.

Hoyt: 30:46

Can you say spicy fun? I know you will do episodes on polyamory and all that kind of stuff.

Sadie Marie: 30:53

You know open relations, sure Sex toy, all that kind of stuff.

Sadie Marie: 30:56

I learned a lot after my divorce, hoy. I had a lot of experimenting. I was living large, so why not talk about it? I mean, these are things that people love to listen to. It's kind of like that guilty pleasure, which is why I like to call my podcast the Desert of Divorced Podcast, because it is a little more indulgent, it is a little more out of the box and we love those topics. I feel a little shy sometimes admitting it, but I admit it and I talk about it on my podcast and people love it. So don't forget kink. I have a lot of kinky fun on my podcast.

Hoyt: 31:27

A lot of kinky fun on the podcast.

Sadie Marie: 31:29

Fun she do.

Hoyt: 31:31

That's great. So in this part of the program I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about what owning this passion for your own life, what kind of energy that puts out in the world and what kind of energy it attracts. And particularly if you've got a zest for life and you're displaying that and you're embodying that every day that you're out living in the world, people are going to be interested in that. People are going to say that is a positive energy that I want to attach to. So in this part of the program I wanted to talk about how that changes your attractiveness. Can you talk about that? Because I think you may have experienced that, even though you were outgoing, even before your divorce, but when you really fully owned this, do you feel like you started drawing different and exciting energy into your life?

Sadie Marie: 32:28

Well, one piece of feedback I get often from people is that they like my energy, and so what I imagine that's about is that I am exuding some positivity, excitement, playfulness, and I know when I go out with someone not necessarily even on a date, but just with a friend I want to have a matching energy, meaning I want to be around someone who also is excited about his or her life, who has passion, who has purpose, who has things that they're doing, that they're loving, or maybe an entrepreneur I love inventing. So being around that energy, so life begets light, don't you think? And so, for me, I want to be around people that are going to bolster my energy and I want to give that back. It's not really fair of me to take that and not give it back. Well, I have to create a life where I authentically feel positive and excited, and all of that so that I can also give that back to someone who's giving that to me. So, absolutely, I think that we draw to us what we're putting out and people that we keep in our lives. We resonate with them, and what's interesting since my divorce is some of my closer friends when I was married aren't necessarily my close friends anymore because I'm not sad and bitter and jaded in, so we have less to talk about because we don't get together and just complain about ABC and D. I don't have this victim attitude.

Sadie Marie: 33:53

I think when I was married I had very much like things are just happening to me and I don't have control of my life and I'm just this passive person, this quote good girl, who just lets all these things happen to her.

Sadie Marie: 34:04

And now I'm like I'm not going to swear on your show, but it's like no, that's not me anymore. So being that different person has caused me to maybe not socialize with people as much as I used to and to focus on people that match my energy. So it's like who do you you know talking about dating who do you want to date? I know that we have a colleague by the name of Jennifer Hurvitz who has a great podcast too, called Doing Relationships Right, and she talks about you need to be who you want to date. So if you want to date someone who has certain qualities, you need to possess those qualities too, because like attracts like, and so I want to attract someone who is outgoing and has things happening in his or her life and has purpose and is creative and is kind and all these things. So I should be that person too, and once you become that person, then it's less pressure to find somebody else because you're having a good time all on your own or with people in your world that you brought into your world.

Hoyt: 35:01

Yeah, that's a really good point. And like does attract. Like I remember in the couple of years that I was dating, I was dating online after my divorce with the ones that, like I said, this is not going to work for me. We're the ones where the divorce pity party led the show, led the parade. I mean, come on, you know, yes, I'm sure he was an asshole, right, but hey, that's not relevant to me. And if you're going to be focusing on the negative in this aspect, are you going to be focusing on the negative with the rest of life when there's so much to look forward to and be positive about? So I absolutely made that cut early on if I detected that a heavy dose of negativity, because I just didn't want it in my life.

Sadie Marie: 35:49

We don't want that. You know, not that I never have a bad day. Clearly, I'm a human being. I like to roll out of bed just smiling and loving everything about everything all the time. But I enjoy life a lot more when I have a positive attitude, when I'm focused on what's working, when I can share the small wins. And I've had to create boundaries with friends. I've had to say if we're going to be together, I need us to talk about this, because when we talk about this topic, like filmmaking or a great experience you had in the community, that's much more what I want to talk about now than your narcissistic ex who's still an asshole, because he's always going to be and I'm so sorry, but you're never going to change him. So focus on what you can change and what you can enjoy.

Hoyt: 36:30

So otherwise you're living in the past. Right, You're living in the past.

Sadie Marie: 36:33

Hey, you're staying stuck. You're staying stuck, you're giving away your power, and that's not fun.

Hoyt: 36:38

But for a lot of people this doesn't feel like natural behavior. So moving into, claiming their own space, going out and meeting new people, all of that kind of stuff, but at the same time they will understand, I think, the value of creating that person in themselves, that is like the person that they aspire to be with. So is there merit to, as they say, faking it until you make it? Because if you can't just step into an authentic place naturally and easily at first, do you just take the small steps or do you just jump in big and embody that, even though that voice is still telling you no, no, no, be small, get small.

Sadie Marie: 37:24

My response to that is I don't think you should ever fake anything. I don't ever want to fake an orgasm again, or I'm never doing it not happening. I just won't do it. So I guess what I would encourage a listener to do, instead of faking it until you make it, is focus on what you can authentically say is working in your life and identify why is it working in your life. What are you doing to make it work? Are you being consistent? Are you being honest? Are you being direct? You have to be doing something for something to be working. Well, it's not just happening to you. So I would focus on what again? What is working, identify it, what are the skills that you encompass that are allowing this to work? And honoring those skills, and then focusing on what do I want? Okay, well, this is what I want now. Okay, I have these awesome skills. I'm curious, I am loyal, I'm consistent. I'm going to apply these skills that I already have.

Sadie Marie: 38:20

It's like a job that it's like a job. Sometimes you start a new job and you don't know everything about that job. You have to do the job, but you have skills already that you're bringing to the job that are going to help you do that job well. You just have to take the time to learn the job and then learn some new skills perhaps. So start with what you have and what you possess. That is your strength. We all have strengths. I don't believe that there is a human out there that doesn't have one strength. What are your strengths? Focus on your strengths. What is working out for you? Why is it working out for you? Why that? Take all of that and focus on what. Now I want to try this.

Sadie Marie: 38:56

When I grew a business, I took years and years to grow a business where I could now, at 20 years end, be making a full-time income up being a photographer. That just didn't happen. Because I wanted it to happen. That just didn't happen within the first year. It took years of showing up and not giving up and believing in myself and being determined and loving it and having passion and surrounding myself with other people who were better at it than I am.

Sadie Marie: 39:22

I've always had mentors in my field and I always want to. In fact, I'll talk to my mentor tomorrow because he inspires me. I talk to him, I feel inspired. So don't put that pressure on yourself that, oh, I have to have this life that I'm dreaming of tomorrow. But take the step, create a plan, and that can be a lot of fun. You can have so much fun with that. Turn your life out and take those steps, but I don't want someone to fake it. Focus on what is actually working, what's authentic, what's real. I did so much faking in my marriage. I don't want to fake anymore.

Hoyt: 40:01

You don't want to go back to that.

Sadie Marie: 40:03

Not me.

Hoyt: 40:04

That brings up a really interesting point. Even if you are somebody that says I am wired to be in relationship To an extent, we all are, but people who were mammals.

Sadie Marie: 40:18

They were wired to be in relationship. Relationship isn't just a traditional monogamous relationship. Relationship can be many things. That's. One thing that I have redefined after my divorce is relationship, which is why I have topics on my podcast about polyamory and open relationships and being bi-curious, because for me, it's more powerful to say, yeah, I'm not just this one path anymore. I have different desires and interests, and that's fine and that's exciting. Why not explore that? So I invite the listener to have a little curiosity about what relationship is after divorce. Maybe it's not just what you wanted when you were 20.

Hoyt: 40:58

Don't just buy habit, stay in that same box.

Sadie Marie: 41:01

It's fun to get out of the box.

Hoyt: 41:04

It's so much fun. The point that I think is interesting here is that there are millions and millions of men and women in your age group that are dating online. You're not going to meet all of them.

Sadie Marie: 41:18

No.

Hoyt: 41:19

There are more than one great match for you out there, but you can never project or wish into being that person that you're meeting for coffee on Tuesday to actually be the right person. They either are or they're not going to be the person that you really, really resonate with, and so it may take a long time. Do you want to just put your life on hold while you wait for this, or do you want to claim it and do you want to live it in a place where you can be happy first? You made the point earlier which I think was a fantastic point that if you're happy in the life that you've got, that relationship is just icing on the cake. You're the cake. That's just icing on the cake.

Hoyt: 42:06

So when you meet people that will come to your events and engage with you online, are you hearing like I do? It's just a lot of work. It's a lot of work to go find a romantic partner online, and they kind of give up on that whole idea. You did Right. You said I'm going to take a break, take a break and focus on me, and that allowed you to get to your next level, and I'm guessing that the way that you engage with relationships now is very different from what it might have been right after your divorce. Is that true?

Sadie Marie: 42:41

Well, I have grown since my divorce. I've done therapy, I've chosen to own things that I needed to own, and so because I've evolved, then I'm attracted to maybe a different person. You know, when I was first divorced, I just wanted to have fun, like I mean, like who is hot on this app that I want to maybe make out with and do other naughty things with right Like I was. Like gee, does he enjoy talking about screenplay structure, like I do? I wasn't thinking about that, I didn't care about that. I didn't care if he was emotionally available. I just wanted to have a good time.

Sadie Marie: 43:14

But now, five years out, I'm like it matters to me if this person can be someone I can talk to about different interests and if he's able to handle difficult conversations, all these layers that you want in a more of a longer term relationship, but I think, also understanding why are you dating, what are you wanting to get out of dating, and really being clear about that.

Sadie Marie: 43:35

And then also appreciating that one person isn't going to be everything to you, and I think you know for those of us who've been divorced, I think we get that finally we're like, yeah, no, that one person isn't going to feel these things for me. So we at least we've taken that pressure off. Honestly, I don't date because I want a quote boyfriend. I date because I want to have someone that I can go out with, I can have a great conversation, I can have fun, I can have good energy and maybe that leads to some intimacy that I also enjoy. So I have a holy. I don't date to find quote the one. I don't do that anymore. I date for because it adds a layer to my life and if it isn't bringing a good layer then I don't want to be doing it.

Hoyt: 44:19

So and that's perfectly fine. I mean, now you're creating this life, that if you decide that you want to share it with somebody in the future, it will be because it was already a pretty damn good thing to begin with, right?

Sadie Marie: 44:33

Right. And also, I know you're a monogamous and you're married, but I don't identify as monogamous. I'm more non monogamous and so because of that, I don't have the same expectation of one person maybe.

Hoyt: 44:45

Oh, I see.

Sadie Marie: 44:46

Someone who is monogamous. So for me, that's also given for me a lot less like stress around dating, because when I was in my twenties and even my early thirties, I didn't get married till I was 34. I was so focused on finding this one person and it did not make me feel happy. It was not like this happy journey to find this one person, and so I'd say, why would I do that to myself again? I'm not going to do that to myself again, and maybe I'll never have a traditional monogamous relationship again, but I have had a lot of wonderful relationships.

Hoyt: 45:20

And so.

Sadie Marie: 45:21

I'm great for that. So I think for me, by changing my mindset around what I'm wanting to get out of dating, it is also taken a lot of pressure that I used to have when I was younger. That makes dating for me more fun. So if this resonates with you listener, you're definitely want to check out my podcast, because I talk about this a lot in my podcast. I think we all are created to be monogamous. I think we're all created to be in relationship of different types. But if everybody's created to be monogamous, personally, Most mammals aren't right.

Sadie Marie: 45:56

Right, this is so true.

Hoyt: 46:00

So any other advice that you can think of for people that are just trying to make sure that they're taking this opportunity to reinvent themselves? Small steps. Let's go back to the small steps. What can you do today, Right when you're listening to this podcast? What can you do to begin that journey for yourself?

Sadie Marie: 46:20

I think a small step again is identifying what am I right now, if I'm fully honest with myself, what is it about my life that I feel like is missing or that I'm not as excited about? On just really identifying those things and then focusing on okay, how do I have the skills, resources, network to change that? And creating some fun. This can be fun. This is your life. This isn't homework for you to get a grade on. I mean, this is exciting. What can I do? What's something I can do to add more excitement to my life?

Sadie Marie: 46:56

And, just again, I'm very social. I love to use my network. I would get a group of friends together and we would create a vision board or we would have a conversation about what are you really wanting more of in your life and where are you stuck and how can we help each other out? Because one thing I've learned just again people like to help people. Actually, I think I mean you asked me to be on this podcast. I said, yes, we're having a good time, I'm helping you out. I've had many people say yes to me. They help me out. We like to help each other out. So, again, don't feel like, oh gosh, I have to do this all by myself. I have to reinvent myself all by myself. One of my best friends also does my hair and she's like okay, we're going to do this with your hair now. I'm like I'm going to do this. I'm like great, because I know she'll make it good and it's been fun.

Sadie Marie: 47:41

Honestly, I've gotten jobs because people like my hair. What I'm saying is I'm sure you have resources outside of just dollars and cents that you can tap into, that can support you to have fun with your reinvention. I mean, use your imagination, be curious. Reinvention is all about possibility, right, and to me, life after divorce. Possibility is just endless, like infinite, but it's vast.

Hoyt: 48:11

It's a green field, right, it's a total green field.

Sadie Marie: 48:15

It's a green field. You get a gallop around in it cramps around.

Hoyt: 48:19

Go skinny dipping in one of the 10,000 lakes, something like that.

Sadie Marie: 48:23

Oh yes, and I've done that by myself. Talk about romance by myself.

Hoyt: 48:27

There were two important things that came out of that. What you were just talking about is the small steps and the support. The third piece of it is I think it helps tremendously when you declare what you're doing more publicly, you actually share with your friends. I am reinventing myself. I'm making this commitment because once it leaves your mouth, it's in the world, and it's like when I started this podcast, I didn't know anything about doing podcasts. I didn't know anything about doing podcasts. It was basically one of those. I'm going to do it. So I told people intentionally that I knew would hold me accountable. So, all right, where is it? I'm waiting for it. Where is it? And, of course, it was months before I felt like I needed it to be perfect. Right, well, I didn't need it to be perfect. Yeah, I just needed to be perfect.

Sadie Marie: 49:19

I'm glad you said that, because we see on social media pop culture, people always looking so quote perfect. I mean, we're inundated with images of Taylor Swift 24, seven and she has a team and bazillion dollars to look perfect. So don't compare yourself to pop culture. Focus again on what you are able to do today. That is going to help you get to that next step and try not to compare yourself to other people. Have fun with this. This is reinvention. This is exciting. This isn't drudgery. I mean, you have the ability to change your life in ways that you don't even realize right now.

Sadie Marie: 50:02

One thing I love to tell my followers on Instagram who share that they're not going through a divorce and they're just overwhelmed. I'm like you don't even realize how much happiness is coming your way. It is out there, it is coming for you, it is just ready for you because it is that's true and I know so many divorce friends who would say that but also it's our attitude. We're choosing to look for it. We're not just looking for things that are difficult. We're looking for the things that are magic. I want more magic this year. I want more dreams to come true.

Hoyt: 50:32

That is so inspirational. Listen, I really appreciate your taking the time to join us today and I know that all of the audience for Behind the Swipe is really going to appreciate your perspectives and want to go check you out. Remind them before we go how they can find you online.

Sadie Marie: 50:48

Sure Well, visit my website, divorceandhappynet. You'll find all of my podcast episodes on my website. You'll also find them wherever you enjoy podcasts, because my podcast is everywhere. It's in the top 100 of Divorce Podcasts you should be listening to. You can also, of course, follow me on social media. I am on Instagram, tiktok, facebook, pinterest, but I have an amazing, amazing Instagram community over 60,000 followers. We have so much fun together, very engaged. I do what's called divorced and happy game nights, where we have different themes and we play games together, and it's hilarious. It's a great way to connect and I'd love for you to connect with me. Dm me if you've listened to this podcast and you go on Instagram. Send me a message. I'd love to hear from you. Oh, okay, my Instagram handle is at Sadie's Divorced and Happy.

Hoyt: 51:38

Well, look who wouldn't want your live girl. It's been so fun. Your advice has been off the charts. I really appreciate it and I look forward to doing this again sometime.

Sadie Marie: 51:48

Absolutely. Thanks again for the invitation. Appreciate you.

Hoyt: 51:56

I wanted to thank Sadie Marie once again for generously sharing her personal journey of transformation today. I thought it was important for us to cover this topic now, particularly as societal, commercial and cultural messaging all seem to send a loud and clear message you should be romantically partnered on Valentine's Day, and I have a problem with that, even if you are desirous of that fairy tale romance. It's dead wrong to demean those of us who are alone on Valentine's Day as if there's some kind of shame in that. In this episode we turn the tables to focus on crafting a life where you are the object of your affection and attention. It is possible to achieve joy and completeness wholly within your sphere of control.

Hoyt: 52:48

Sadie Marie, while her post-divorce reinvention may be pushing bounds that many of us would not choose, has shown that the cumulative effects of capitalizing on the small wins and being intentional in loving oneself can have dramatic benefits. But the least of those benefits is the radiant magnetic aura that naturally emanates from those of us who zest for life touches all around them. They attract the most interesting people to them just by being fully and optimistically engaged. And who knows, perhaps one of those attractions will lead to a romantic candlelight Valentine's dinner, but if not in the immortal words of Crosby, still's, nash and Young if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, and that one is you. Join us next week when my guest Christine Baumgartner and I talk about sex in the second chapter of Life. I'm your host, Hoyt Prisock . Until next time, swipe fearlessly.